@latrimble29 I miss you too love bug! Tell them brats to treat my friend amazing for Mother's Day. You deserve it daily. *kisses*

Yoga is great, but I am ADD so I run out after 5 minutes to chase a squirrel.

Guys, did you know you can use plastic baggies for things that aren't drugs? Amazing.

Can't wait to read your legendary tweets tomorrow. Fuck all of you.

Stop it right now your Facebook is showing.

If my dick were as big as the wife’s purse collection, I could finally scratch fucking an elephant off this to-do list.

I have no respect for fake and plastic personalities. Bring your house full of anger, hurt, issues, pain, love and life. I can handle it.

I watched a 5 min video of a coworkers kid saying basghetti instead of spaghetti and didn’t claw my eyes out.

Where’s MY Oscar, Academy?

Who me? Just took an adderall and washed it down with a Rockstar energy drink. Wanna fuck like rabbits??

Once you cut the crap, don't use that knife to make lunch.

The wife and I just reached for the coffee and touched hands. Per the Cialis commercial, we're supposed to have sex now. This is bullshit.

Shoutout to all parents who are currently battling a rebellious pre-teen. This shit is amazing. I'm gonna need to get in better shape.

I'm tall, but not WNBA white girl in cornrows tall.

I want an important job where I have to spend my whole day in Starbucks on my laptop.

The best revenge is to remain unaffected

Me: I found a job!

Mom: That's great! What is it?

Me: debt collection!

Mom:....

Me.....

Mom:...

Me: I think you know why I'm calling.

@latrimble29 *throws fistful of Benjamins at you*

The next time you are about to utter the words "I didn't have a choice", make goddamn sure you didn't.

I'll never get to say, "Here's $5. Run to the corner and get me the paper and some smokes and keep the change." Fuck everything.

Me (at 8am): I need three packs of cigarettes, six blunts and rolling papers.

Cashier: I wanna party with you!

Me: Yes, yes you do.