Note to self: remember you hid the crystal meth in the washing machine so the kids wouldn't find it

I have so much to do that even my lists have lists.

You guys are a blast. I'm having a better conversation with my shot glass. Pffff, WE DO IT BETTER IN FLORIDA. Depends really on who WE are.

Its hard to do private things outside with that man in the moon watching my every move.

I eat, sleep, shit, drink, smoke, eat, shit, pee, fuss, drink, chauffeur kids, smoke, eat, smoke, drink, fuss, pee, shower, shit, sleep.

Geez, you give someone a sincere compliment on the side burns they have growing down the sides of their legs and suddenly YOU'RE the bitch.

When you're standing outside and a posse of police pull up, jump out & put on bullet proof vests you would think its time to go inside. NOT!

Luckily in my Xanex haze, I didn't forget to buy coffee. The kids have nothing for breakfast, but dammit there's coffee!

I have good kids. They love me to death & would do anything for me EXCEPT LET ME SLEEP PAST 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!

No school & I'm still up before 8? Cruel summer, my ass.

I feel like such a twit for not tweeting but this Sumner isn't going to enjoy itself. There's a lot of beer to be drunk. See? Already drink.

Buying blues from my dealer would be a lot easier if my ex mother-in-law wasn't afraid I'm now a cop.

Listening to the voices in my head tends to make me not get coffee because they said we had some.

My brother is home visiting from Texas. My plan is to get him drunk & tickle him until he throws up like when we were kids.

My draft folder went wondering off by itself & now its missing. Who do I file a report with? He's all alone & scared I'm sure.

Outline of my new tattoo! Can't wait until its finished! pic.twitter.com/m8D8Uh1gGk

I woke up thinking it was Sunday so obviously I went to church's for some chicken.

There is no 'I' in teamwork but there isn't one in coffee or dumbass either so what's your fucking point?

5 has found his balls. Now I know why men keep their hands in pants because as 5 puts it, 'I'M AFRAID THEY ARE GOING TO FALL ON THE GROUND!'

Luckily I didn't win the lottery otherwise Twitter would now be Titter.