My ex husband is taking the kids to mardi gras this weekend. I guess he forgets that's the reason we are divorced? I got alot of beads tho.

My goal today was to to nothing. The fact that I'm tweeting means I've accomplished that goal.

My daughter thought it was ok for her boyfriend to come over at midnight so I thought out was ok to call the cops.

Sitting in this church parking lot smoking weed seems a little wrong but it's not like I'm going in so its ok.

All I know is if the Easter Bunny doesn't bring sex, he better leave one of those 5 foot chocolate bunnies in my ”basket”.

Sometimes it's better to star an @ reply than to sit here for 4 1/2 hours contemplating a witty retort.

I hate the fact that I'm lazy but after 37 years, a divorce, 3 teenagers & a 4 year old? They're fucking lucky I even get up in the morning.

I don't know what a prerogative is, but fuck it, it's Bobby Brown's.

My last nerve wasn't the nerve I thought it would have been.

While burning dinner tonight I noticed that little hamburger helper hand trying to get it on with a pot holder...yep! That good.

It's official...I've finally become my mother! Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO!

It sucks when it's beautiful and sunny outside but inside it's raining.

I won't be able to consider myself a responsible adult until I can go a full day without getting my clothes dirty.

I locked my keys in my car this morning. No worries, though. I just cut through the glass with my nipples.

Committing Twittercide would be the easy part. When I go, I'm burning Twitter to the fucking ground.

I think it's cute the way the weather is trying to be hotter than me....

I ONLY want a boyfriend so I can fuck the hell out of him, borrow some money & get HIM to make me a sandwich.

That's NOT a sparkle in my eyes. The voices are either playing with a flashlight or they're flickering the light to say it's time to go...

I'm a good girl. I don't lie, drink, smoke OR do drugs, when I'm sleeping...

I don't know anyone on Twitter personally but KNOW all my Facebook friends in real life which explains why I'm always here.