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Hey NSA, just wanted to let you guys know that #johnoliverblewagreatdane.
Love,
Sarah
CAT OWNERS' INNER MONOLOGUE: I'm looking for a companion that's part "mean girl" & part "distant father"...
@celebinrmonolog
People that are being fooled by the Bin Laden Facebook virus -- is this your first day using the Internet? You're adorable.
My box of wine in the empty passenger seat is triggering the "Child Seat Belt" reminder on my dashboard. Pulling over to write some poetry.
Completely non-ironic line from Law & Order SVU..
Ice T: "That's the coolest fort EVER!"
I don't think he knew they were filming him.
Law & Order Viewer IM: Oh, I wonder who the murderer is? Maybe the slightly famous person introduced halfway thru the show? @celebinrmonolog
EYES: (to Brain) "There is a spider in the shower"
BRAIN: (to Body) "That spider just raped u & murdered everyone u kno. Panic accordingly."
FACT:After falling asleep next to a human, dogs increase their body temp to ~193°..causing what can only be described as Fart Craftsmanship.
Watching Lady Gaga's concert on HBO at my parents house - Grandma walked in right as Gaga yelled, "EVERYBODY GET YOUR DICKS OUT!" Yay!
I'm late to the party on this, but @peteholmez's episode of #WhoCharted is one of the funniest podcasts I've ever heard @kulap @howardkremer
.@pattonoswalt's #gentleTweets are like a warm blanket from the comedy dryer.
If they made a show about the Febreeze commercial where they put blindfolded people in a serial killer-y house, I would watch every episode.
Nothing says, "I am violently unstable!" like impractically long fingernails.
Feeling your just-brushed-teeth with your tongue is some kind of sin, isn't it? It feels a little too good.
Tomorrow I'll tell you about the magical flying toasters and how they save your screen.
Today's wonderful Wikipedia discovery:
Bear Grylls' children are named "Marmaduke", "Huckleberry", and "Jesse". #poorjesse
Mitchell & Webb as a robotic duo on Doctor Who? What god did I please?? <3
On the Shame scale: Being caught masturbating < Being caught licking the inside of a popcorn bag.
These 25 points are thanks to Donna (@sportisallover) and her Laser Gun! =)
#JJGO http://t.co/2dK5tg37
Hello, posterity. I write a column for http://Nerdist.com. It's sciencey and full of wonderful bullshit. I'm also a Research Specialist @ UPenn Med.
