.@droz @gwynethpaltrow i wipe a egg mcmufin on my stuff (penis/balls) before I do sex so the women gets extra horney

Quick test for all the cool uncle Jesses out there. Do you have a motorbike? That's what I thought, uncle Joey.

"God is good?" Only in the same way that Bob is boob.

our grandpas definitely called a lot of people "orientals"

Original Mario Kart Pitch: a game where a bunch of maniacs drive around throwing garbage and turtle corpses at each other.

Just read this:Evolution=no Adam & Eve=no original sin=No such thing as #Christianity.
#atheistrollcall #atheists #atheism

The news that Yahoo bought Tumblr is less exciting when you learn that Dress Barn bought Yahoo last week.

if you tie 2 tampons together you can make raccoon nunchucks

It's sad to think that after I die my family will have to live on with empty toilet paper tubes by every toilet forever

If I were a mob boss, I'd ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

I misspelled Benedict Cumberbatch in last tweet but I'm going to try not to spin into a dark depression over it. (Danny Zuker 1964-2013)

Finally found my wife’s clitoris! It’s in her coffin with the rest of her.

“I’m a joker. I’m a smoker. I’m a midnight toker. I’ve gone blind. My organs are shutting down.” - if Steve Miller told the truth about #pot

I like how Obama acts like he’s “tough on terrorism” but ignores the most dangerous terrorist of all: the marijuana cigarette. #420NOBAMA

well, at least he died doing what he loved, living in the forest and attempting to breastfeed wild bear cubs.

Hey Hanes, how about some underwear that lasts longer than 11 years, you cheap sons of b*tches

I wish you guys could see this sunset right now. So shitty. It's just such an awful fucking sunset.

I wish they had morning radio hosts in the 1940s. Today's "Dingus of the Day" is... Adolf Hitler! *toilet flushing* Get a life, pal! *honk*

ONLY YOU WOULD FIND INNOVATION STIFLING. RT @michelebachmann: Stifling medical innovation. #ObamacareInThreeWords

.@droz do babys have skeletons i mean come on theres no way