Why do I drive on a parkway, but cry in my driveway??

Does anyone know pizza's number? I would like to sext it about how I can't stop thinking about it.

"I liked it better when it was called 'HARRY POTTER.'" -someone with a fundamental misunderstanding of "Magic Mike"

My porn name is The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

If a new pope doesn't show up in 15 minutes we all get to go home

I hate working in a cubicle because sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts. By "thoughts," I mean "farts".

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% watching TED conference videos.

Today's outfit design theme: Business Ke$hual.

In honor of The Great Gatsby coming out this weekend, the big flat ones are called "paillettes" and NOT "sequins." Thank you.

Can you motorboat a butt? Oops sorry I mistyped “will” and “my”.

Ladies, I don't CARE how "comfortable" they are, Legos are NOT pants!!!!!!

This week on SMITHSBUSTERS: "The Queen is Dead"- BUSTED "Girlfriend In A Coma" - CONFIRMED "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" - BUSTED

Just got ticketed by a plainclothes Audobon Society officer for saying a bird was being a dildo

The barista with the glasses has been so much nicer since the holidays. Maybe he was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Pabst.

The best part about getting over this cold is that I can finally smell what the Rock is cooking again.

Giving myself a memento-style tattoo that says “you’ll never get anything done on a weekday night” so I don’t find every day disappointing

q: what is the best time to go to the zero dark t- doctor? a: zero dark t-hurty

Because it's not a "battleground state" it isn't widely reported, but Romney is polling extremely well in the Uncanny Valley

So The Hobbit is like a prequel to the British Office, right?

Oh my god I LOOOVE this song from the '40s! I want to hear it more than once! -Nobody ever, except at Christmas