"Angry Birds suicide hotline, which level are you stuck on?"

This is the funniest I've seen in a while: "bisexual - The ability to reach down someone's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find."

I love how @twitter is like "Are you SURE you want to RT that?" while @favstar is like "YEAH! RT THAT FUCKER!"

Every time I post a tweet that I think is funny, I sit back for a moment and imagine how many stars it won't get.

"Colon cancer is the number two killer of Canadians." Number two!!! ahahahahaha

Old people's email accounts should have the 'Fwd' button disabled.

Dogs are like men: they just shove their toy in your face until you give up and play with it.

If adulthood involved more playground swings, there would be a lot less war.

Just saw Twilight: Breaking Dawn. My favourite part was when Kristen Stewart stared blankly at things.

Somebody texted me "im cumin" and I thought "I'd prefer to be basil, but what do herbs have to do with your ETA?"

So now I'm a Sagittarius? WTF? I can't even spell that!

I need a nice hard starfucking. Anyone?

The problem with a Charlie Sheen #winning T-shirt is that it's only funny 2 weeks ago and 20 years from now.

Does listening to Justin Bieber make me a pedophile, or does my boner?

HEY TEENAGERS! YOU THINK SCHOOL IS HARD? TRY HAVING ENOUGH MONEY FOR RENT!

Hey people in movies: taxis can't hear you calling them.

That's right, mothafuckas, I just gained 112 followers in a week! Let's see you top that, Charlie Sheen! :-(

Am I too old to throw a tantrum?

I was just informed by 7 that Back to the Future was NOT the best movie of all time. We're not longer friends.

Did you guys know that I love every single one of you?