did Mona Lisa know she was gonna become the illest art bitch of all time or like???

Beauty and the Beast is a good example that girls don't care what you look like if you have a big ass castle and a talking teacup.

finding new music is like finding a new freckle like hey how long have u been there

I'm excited for the Supreme Court to finally let us know if gay people are human beings.

I wish I was a girl so I could just lie in bed and grab my boobs

me:eats a snack while making a snack

Waiting for your crush to like you back pic.twitter.com/kAY3hvreTT

Twitter is like a fridge. You get bored, so you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good.

Our kids will probably go to a middle school dance and theme is the 2010’s. They'll wear leggings with ugg boots and twerk to call me maybe.

I hate when I open a new bag of dicks because I always end up eating the whole thing in one sitting...

I judge dick pics by how long it takes them to load.

Wes Anderson's movies all sound like awesome fonts: Royal Tenanbaum, Rushmore, Darjeeling Limited, Moonrise Kingdom, Bottle Rocket

“The glass is half empty!” - pessimists
“The glass is half full!” - optimists
“Somebody please drink me!” - sierramists

Slut jokes are just whoreable.

There's no "u" in us. Wait yes there is. There's no "i" in relationship. Ok look the point is I wanna break up.

More Canadians are expected to win an MMVA than to watch the broadcast

Father's Day is great - you get to sleep in and do whatever you want. Like I used to do every single day before I was a father.

My dad left when I was five, but he came back that night. He was just going to work.

very sad that fathers only get one day but sharks get a whole week

So what if I'm a cream cheese whore, BACK THE FUCK UP!!