Car hanging out a window @ Moscone Center Garage http://t.co/zA40Iwe

"NYC is like an abusive boyfriend. When you're there you feel stupid for staying, when you're not there's a strange compulsion to return."

Claimed by Prince @ Bernal Heights http://instagr.am/p/4ACe/

Balloon boy's obvious next move is the SEO business - he can consult on taking over Twitter Trending Topics

Wish there was a LinkedIn reject option for "I know this person but would not do business and in no way wish to be affiliated with them"

Halloween idea: stuffed bra, brand new Giants shirt and hat. You are Busty Poser.

voting @mat because he doesn't robocall me

Dancing the forbidden dance known as FourLoko. It tastes like burning.

Here's to her. And to one of the best eras of my life, filled with love, lessons, and laughter. Thank you for being so awesome, B.

"You know those ads that ask, 'Which one deserves to die?' I pick one every time." -@brittneyg

Only dislike with Nashville is living harmoniously with the brown recluse. I do not negotiate with terrorists.

The fortune in my chocolate-dipped fortune cookie should have just read "You will eat two of these."

Honk if you're a terrible person

Not three profiles into my foray into online dating and I find myself staring down a coworker.

Get the feeling this is a seasoned cabbie http://t.co/psGBZhyY

On my death certificate, mayonnaise is certain to get an honorable mention if it is not the outright cause of death.

No longer find myself bothering to check Twitter that frequently. Give me @stellar_yo, @mlkshk, gReader items yearning to be marked read

Signs of growing old: barber just went for my eyebrows. Le sigh.

It's a pretty good month that involves time in NY an time to see this plaque http://t.co/IoaQ3q7S

Oxycontourage #CharlieSheenHBOShows