Porn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.

If Lil Wayne passed out while you were partying, you could draw a dick on his face and he probably wouldn't notice for like, 2 weeks.

I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.

Kool Aid Man's kids probably never felt safe when they were masturbating.

Be nice to women, they put our penises in their mouths. THEIR MOUTHS, YOU GUYS.

I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast

My dad went out for cigarettes 12 years ago, they must be training a new guy at 7/11. My dad's so patient and great! Hurry home you big lug!

"Be cool, it's the cops" I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood

2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures

3. Get all the cats

Maybe poor people don't even like food, we don't know.

I hate how kittens grow up to be cats and smoke all your roommate's weed and IT TOTALLY WASN'T ME PAUL SO FUCK OFF.

Sucks that one day we'll get test results in a text that says "you totes have bowel cancer wtf I know right?!" From a doctor named Jayden.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

"Omg who did this to you?!?!" -hilarious joke I make every single time I go into my basement to feed the people I keep trapped in a cage.

In Canada we don't have cars. we just float around on apology clouds and nobody ever gets sad or dies.

I Saw my first dead body and I didn't know what to do so I just wrote "have a great summer" on his leg and ran away.

Hello Onstar? Yeah, I've got 7 Wham themed mix cd's but this Ford Escape only has a 6 disc changer. Yes this is Dan. Yes I'll hold.

They cured HIV?

*Windmill dunks all my condoms into a garbage can without even researching the news*

My girlfriend's been at a baby shower for like 3 hours. That baby's gotta be so fucking clean by now. Girls are weird.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.