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Porn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood
2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures
3. Get all the cats
"Be cool, it's the cops" I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
If Lil Wayne passed out while you were partying, you could draw a dick on his face and he probably wouldn't notice for like, 2 weeks.
I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.
Be nice to women, they put our penises in their mouths. THEIR MOUTHS, YOU GUYS.
Maybe poor people don't even like food, we don't know.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast
Kool Aid Man's kids probably never felt safe when they were masturbating.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
My dad went out for cigarettes 12 years ago, they must be training a new guy at 7/11. My dad's so patient and great! Hurry home you big lug!
Sucks that one day we'll get test results in a text that says "you totes have bowel cancer wtf I know right?!" From a doctor named Jayden.
I hate how kittens grow up to be cats and smoke all your roommate's weed and IT TOTALLY WASN'T ME PAUL SO FUCK OFF.
"Omg who did this to you?!?!" -hilarious joke I make every single time I go into my basement to feed the people I keep trapped in a cage.
Janet at work: "what happened to summer am I right hahaha?"
Me: "nothing Janet it's just a cloudy day I wish you were dead"
In Canada we don't have cars. we just float around on apology clouds and nobody ever gets sad or dies.
I Saw my first dead body and I didn't know what to do so I just wrote "have a great summer" on his leg and ran away.
Can't believe how much money hospitals waste just scanning cats all day
The guy who plays saxophone on the street corner downtown is basically just yelling at his Dad through a metal tube.
Hello Onstar? Yeah, I've got 7 Wham themed mix cd's but this Ford Escape only has a 6 disc changer. Yes this is Dan. Yes I'll hold.
I write jokes for movies and also all over the stupid internet please kill me thanks (or hire me email@example.com)