Thunder shower warnings on the news tonight how did they know I set up a bench press in my shower

The Mexican space program is just a dark room with glow in the dark stars on the ceiling

I've written "sorry about your cat" on WAY too many personal checks.

I think I'm allergic to cats I ate like 4 and now I feel REALLY sick

Chillen in my jail cell/bout to ring this male's bell/promised that I wouldn't yell/really wishing now that I never robbed that fuckin shell

1. Get a job at chili's
2. Sneak your cat around in your shirt at work
3. Take over the chili's
4. Promote your cat to assistant manager

Otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't float away, and cause they're total fags.

Gonna get "na na na na na na na na" tattooed on my forearm. I'll tell girls it's Hey Jude and I'll tell dudes it's the Batman theme.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

I'm the Tacobelle of the ball.

"Herpes" was the Greek goddess of sluts.

Fill a Neti Pot with cocaine and just forget your job.

The Canadian national anthem is just a picture of Rush.

1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood

2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures

3. Get all the cats

Roll up in the emergency veterinary clinic like what up I got a sick hawk.

My family crest is just my Dad beating a homeless woman to death with a fax machine.

That's me on the corner, that's me at the stop light, selling stolen chickens.

Sometimes, when I'm making sweet man sex to my woman. Wait. Let me start over.

If Lil Wayne passed out while you were partying, you could draw a dick on his face and he probably wouldn't notice for like, 2 weeks.

I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.