Constipated? Tough shit.

If its ok im just going to start referring to kids as fucklets.

4th of july is like "The hurt locker" acted out by children.

When my neighbors make too much noise I call the police and tell them it smells methy over there.

One thing I learned from watching extreme makeover. If you show an old black woman a new house, she will fall down. Every time.

I am not sexually active. I usually just lay there.

Every fuck up is a learning experience. Just try not to learn too much in one day.

Confidence is the key. That and lots of fucking money.

Im not a smart man, but I know what lust is.

I once told a teacher I lost my homework doggie style.

I put fake bullet hole stickers on everything. Dishes, exes, puppies, everything.

The night the lights went out in georgia is totally about the night reba lost her upper lip.

I am in debt and I can't break dance. Not how I thought life would turn out.

I have added "and beer" to every grocery list I've made in the last ten years.

Nancy Grace on Dancing with the Stars!?
I bet she has two left dicks.

A ginger snap is when a redhead loses her shit. Right?

Does Kevin Bacon call his nuts bacon bits?

Nick Cannon is proof that I am a failure at being a failure.

I call my grandmother the bat in the hat. Its a good thing I can outrun her.

That awkward moment when your awkward moment tweet is a flop.