I hate when girls say their bf is "perfect". Does he collect slugs and work at an Ihop for 9 years? No? Then FUCK YOU, Katie. I've changed.

Whenever my roommate accidentally walks in on me masturbating, I like to play it cool and say, "Heeeeyyy, I was just thinking about you."

Whenever I see a girl wearing a tie, looking sharp, I think to myself, "Now there's a girl who knows how to eat a vagina."

Want to freak out someone in the stall next to you? Roll a soggy candybar under the barrier & say "Whoops! That one slipped out of my hand."

Bad news: My marriage is on the rocks. Good news: I'm married to alcohol! Bad news: My wife just spilled :-(

Ever rub your penis through your jeans so hard that you cum in your pants big time and yell "JACKPOT!" waking up everybody on this flight?

You ever have cocaine so good that you quit your job and told your kids we're all moving to the moon? My dad has.

Guys, help! My roommate just told me that condoms are for pussies, but I totally thought they were for penises. So confused! :(

Guys, William H. Macy is MAGIC! I saw him on the train & when I snuck up to give him a playful butt slap he turned into a grumpy lesbian.

DATING TIP: If you're having coffee with a girl and she asks you how you take your coffee, say, "Orally" then wink and chug the entire cup.

If sex was an Olympic sport they would give me the gold and silver medals, because I always come first and in seconds.

Rape whistles are pretty useless if the only other people within earshot are other rapists. It's essentially a rapist's mating call.

I'm glad I don't have a sexual fetish like my neighbors who do this weird thing where they yell "GET OUT OF HERE—WE CAN SEE YOU" during sex.

What's a good amount of wine to have before a date to "take the edge off"? I'm up to 6 bottles & am still so nervous I am puking EVERYWHERE.

Is it still statutory rape if the statue was of a girl older than 18?

Ever been on a date so bad that someone else's phone rang in the restaurant and your date said, "I have to take that"?

If you wear a leather suit in public and aren't coming back from your brother's 1973 funeral, expect me to challenge you to a saxophone off.

Guys, freckles just mean God forgot to wash his hands before making you. And redheads have more bc God was eating Cheetos. Pretty obvious.

"Alright, so we already have Purified Battery Acid, Electric Piss, and Bea Arthur's Vagina flavors. What else?" (5-Hour Energy meeting)

If anyone wants to save money seeing Transformers 3, I'll be putting forks in a blender while taking a dump in my living room this weekend.