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If you are OK with police pepper-spraying motionless protesters, you hate America. It shouldn't happen to Tea Partiers either.
Every morning I wake up and rush to my computer to check Google News in the vain hopes that Chelsea Handler has been eaten by an alligator.
If you even know what "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" is, you need to re-evaluate your life choices.
I'm very happy for all of you celebrating 4/20. I'm just going to go ahead and continue acting like a grown man.
TOUCHDOWN. Fuck you, rapist. #SUPERBALL
"Eat some fucking brisket, you HAG!" -line from my upcoming one-act play, The Hag Who Hated Brisket
TSA agent yelled at me for having an insulin pump. Said i need to "disclose." I didn't give her the satisfaction of saying a single word
Gate agent: don't ask me how to pronounce my name. Our relationship will be far too short for it to matter
HAUNTED HOUSE: it's just a regular house with a nice family but they only have single-ply toilet paper