If you are OK with police pepper-spraying motionless protesters, you hate America. It shouldn't happen to Tea Partiers either.

Every morning I wake up and rush to my computer to check Google News in the vain hopes that Chelsea Handler has been eaten by an alligator.

@craigcalcaterra haha your son is your dad

I feel like it's impossible to win the ice cream cone game #theamericans

If you even know what "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" is, you need to re-evaluate your life choices.

I'm very happy for all of you celebrating 4/20. I'm just going to go ahead and continue acting like a grown man.

TOUCHDOWN. Fuck you, rapist. #SUPERBALL

"Eat some fucking brisket, you HAG!" -line from my upcoming one-act play, The Hag Who Hated Brisket

TSA agent yelled at me for having an insulin pump. Said i need to "disclose." I didn't give her the satisfaction of saying a single word

.@gopleader You are clueless. Today is a day to celebrate those who LABOR. Businessmen built their businesses on the backs of laborers.

And anti-gun statements! Both ways, asshole! RT @borowitzreport Dear Internet People: Maybe choose another day to make pro-gun statements.

RT @katrinanation Wall St's argument they had to pay bonuses or lose good people? Why doesn't that apply to cops/firemen? #WIunion

@natethebjork sometimes I almost RT you but then I remember I revoked your comedy card for dissing Monty Python

Shout out to male model @natethebjork

@lternate Saw Premium Rush, and I Joseph Gordon-Premium-Rushed it!

Gate agent: don't ask me how to pronounce my name. Our relationship will be far too short for it to matter

my friend @natethebjork is a gentleman. also he makes funny comedy jokes

@natethebjork lemme tell you bout green women...they the REASON green men so fat knowwhatimsayin

HAUNTED HOUSE: it's just a regular house with a nice family but they only have single-ply toilet paper

I voted for Nate B in @weightwatchers #WWCelebrateSuccess contest, you should too! Hurry - voting ends 9/29! http://t.co/sr55JpvA