Playing with hair isn't indicative of coyness. We're leaving DNA trails in case you try to abduct and rape us, you monsters.

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, and then I was like, "Dude, got any shoes you're not using?"

I was about to throw my cat out of my bed for being too needy, but then she left before I could. Now I miss her. Relationships are hard.

I don't get why the parents always tell kids the divorce "isn't their fault." Wrecking marriages is hard. Don't take that win from them.

Does J.K. Rowling ever explain how a goddamn WIZARD doesn't just fix his own eyesight? EVEN MUGGLE TECHNOLOGY CAN DO THAT.

Having some cognitive dissonance over the fact that I'm broke, but have enough privilege to know about both privilege & cognitive dissonance

Wait, tumblr has a twitter account? Does twitter have a Facebook page? Wtf are we doing with our lives?

If you name your daughter Krystal Champagne, her stripper name is Ann Romney.

Kiss Me, I'm Blackout Drunk and Living in a Society That Gives No Shits About My Bodily Autonomy

Fate never closes a door without opening a window, which makes her house tremendously easy to burglarize.

#ThingsGirlsLike being treated like individuals rather than lumped together with blanket gender-normative statements lol jk it's kitties!

Chivalry isn't dead yet, but it's got a lame leg and keeps mumbling weird sexist shit, so I think I'll just take it out back and shoot it.

Simon says, "You can call me Al."

I won't play hard to get but I WILL discuss critical race theory until you can't get hard. During foreplay. hmu

"Boy, he's really phoning it in today!" - review of an employee about to get a promotion at a call center

The definition of insanity is saying the same quote over and over again and expecting us not to hate you.

Nothing like the abrupt intimacy and horror of allowing a tech support stranger unbridled access to your laptop.

But what if we tricked OJ into going on Jeopardy and then for the double jeopardy were just like "category is: murders you did"

Ever reject someone tactfully, then they reveal how awful they are & you want to reject them cruelly? Someone should invent a way to do that

Women are just whores they only care about money, not character or honesty or workers' rights--wait, I meant CAPITALISTS. Not women. My bad.