I still like to give people high-fives and no one will ever stop me.

I just imagined life without bowls, and let me tell you people...it is not pretty.

I really wish girls would start drawing penises or something in the bathroom. I'm tired of reading this "live, laugh, and be happy" shit.

Just ate all the gross halves of a bag of gummy worms and saved the good ones. So yeah, successful night. Also, maturity can suck it.

Gonna go change my name to Lazers Tyler and photoshop myself into all of Steven Tyler's family photos. See you guys tomorrow..

And to the people who complain about how I bag their grocery items, just be grateful that I didn't put the rat poison in with the baby food.

This bus tour is going to be like going on vacation with the Golden Girls x10 but minus everything that makes the Golden Girls awesome.

"It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up."

Just found Def Leppard's "Hysteria" in my parent's cassette tape collection, so this thursday night is totally saved.

I'm watching Sunset Daze, and if you're not aware it's a reality show about old people in a retirement home and IT'S AWESOME.

Any advice on what to say to your little brother after you catch him jerking it? Asking for myself because that just happened.

Whenever I find a guy that will dance with me to Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham! EVERY time it plays anywhere, then I will get married.

There is too much blood and water in my body and not enough caffeine.

Idiot Boyfriend by Jimmy Fallon is always playing in my car, and I've decided that that is awesome and not weird.

Pretty much all of my netflix categories always have "Dark" "Serial-Killer" or "Violent" in their names. So that's all you need to know.

According to my prom dress from last year that I just tried on, THE FRESHMAN 15 IS FUCKING REAL.

Louis C.K. is a fucking gift to comedy.

Hey everybody, don't forget to regularly clean and inspect your genitals!

My computer believes the word Popsicle should be capitalized. They are not ready to rule the earth yet so humans are safe...FOR NOW.

YOU EYEBALLIN' MY MUSTACHE?