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Most inscrutable infomercial line ever: "Unlike other bras, the Milana bra is different."
We get it, you hate women.
Best House Hunters opening line: "Inspired by the TV show Golden Girls, Michael wants to buy a Palm Springs vacation home."
Hey bartenders with old-timey mustaches: you realize your facial hair is the faux-speakeasy version of pieces of flair, right?
Strongly considering being Scarlett from Nashville for Halloween - big skirt, bow in my hair, and a sign reading "I'm the fucking worst."
Magic Mike spoiler: a large percentage of the plot rests on Channing Tatum's character not realizing he could sell custom furniture online.
Consider the radical idea that a woman might be the one reading your script & might not appreciate all female characters being called cunts.
Paul Ryan just now finished peeing.
Girl in this coffee shop just told friend "Dude, I just signed up for" and I knew she was going to say "improv classes" before she said it.
Anyone whose SNL audition this year doesn't contain an impression of Scarlett from Nashville is MISSING THE BOAT.
Laundry status: so fucking dire, I'm dressed like Claudia Kishi.
"I should mop my whole apartment!" - Someone procrastinating on writing
Congratulations, Bruno Mars, Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga. You look exactly like Smith College sophomores.
Everyday, we get closer to the day I accidentally type someone's name into the status bar, not the search bar on FB and die of embarrassment
Seems really harsh that Citibike will take away your membership if you don't Instagram your key.
Affleck gets the movie, right? Wahlberg can be in it, obvs (he and Matt are hero cops), but Afflrck directs.
Feel lucky and thankful to have spent the past 12 weeks working on Next Caller with the greatest writers' room, cast, and crew imaginable.
Writer for @MTVAwkward. @UCBTheatreNY forever. Girl shit.