I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren't any dinosaurs approaching.

The 80's called and they want you to stop saying they called.

I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

If walls could talk they would totally freak me out, so I don't like that idea.

I just want be a regular crastinator, not a professional or anything. I don't need a title.

If I had a ship, I wouldn't have a poop deck because it's a girl ship.

Say hello to my little friend! -bigger friend

How much nun would a nunchuck nun, if a nunchuck could chuck nun?

It's a typo kind of knight.

I wonder if Bill Cosby has ever done Jell-O shots.

Bank teller: Do you have any other accounts?

Me: WHAT? Do I look like I have parody accounts?!

Bank teller: Huh?

Me: Oh sorry, twitter.

You think you have problems? I missed free pancake day at ihop. Don't even tell me about yours.

If my hands get sweaty, I get baby powder and put it all over my hands and throw it in the air LeBron style. Then I go lose at something.

Change has a bad reputation for being loose.

I'm so out of shape, I can't even run away from my insecurities.

I'm writing new proverbs:

He who thinks he's all that, shall lose that sense of all thatness thus simply becoming just a bag of chips.

DEFENSE! DEFENSE! DEFENSE! I can't believe we still have to tell these basketball players what to do. You think they would know by now.

When I tweet and get at least one star, I feel the same way Kim Kardashian feels when she sends out a tweet and makes $10,000 per tweet.

I'm the Meryl Streep of twitter. I only get trophies every few years.