oh cool youre a 90s kid??? well i'm a 70s kid! you know what MY favorite cartoon was? Viet Fucking Nam

"said no one ever" said everyone constantly

if I could have one super power it'd be an infant's courage at making eye contact

@kattwillferrell Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now, we have no jobs, no hope and no cash. Please RT

i burst into the strip club "HEY GIRLS, TWERKIN HARD OR HARDLY TWERKIN??" i get dragged out by security for the third time this week

mom, that trail mix you packed me for lunch today was more like FAIL mix!!*starts to do the gangnam style dance and twists ankle really bad*

opinions are like assholes... people always pretend they don't want to know about mine

lets get lost tonight
you could be my black Cake Boss tonight

all people on unemployment are lazy and all people with jobs are honorable. this is what i see, as i gaze into my own ass

facts: 1. your reading this 3. you didnt notice I skipped 2. 4. you just checked 5 now your smiling (: 6. men are just as oppressed as women

this city is a disease. and my favorite band is the cure.

RT if u hate it when u write out this long text to a girl and all she says is k k k. its like damn, elaborate?? are u with us or against us?

*booty claps sarcastically*

as a guy who works in a retirement home for a living, I confirm that there are fights to the death to determine who is Worlds Best Grandma

Manti Teos girlfriend was about as real as Kim kardashia'ns wedding /!\ ALERT. This account has been suspended. ERROR : [ T O O F U N N Y ]

"obama got inaugurated today, u hear about this? hey, you already did that about four years ago pal!" Jay Leno to a silent, bewildered crowd

Save to > Cloud Storage /!\ ALERT. We missed and sent it to space. We are not yet sure how alien life will respond to "KimPossibleNude.jpg"

"Wow my zits are starting to clear up maybe theyre going away for good" me every few days for about 10 years now

my dad just dropped off 90 mozzarella sticks happy valentines day fuckers

WE WILL NEVER BE A CIVILIZED SOCIETY UNTIL WE CAN AGREE ON ONE GOD DAMN WAY FOR MICROWAVES TO OPERATE. WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE WAKE UP