If we felt as tired going to sleep as we did when waking up I believe there would be no wars.

Worshipping someone is just a car ride away from resenting them.

Truman Chipotle

Being cool won't keep you warm at night

A dance party is the best thing God has ever invented.

I hate it when I have to do more than one thing a day.

I used to have a lot of rules and stances and advice and opinions and then I realized like a month ago who gives a fuckin shit. Do drugs!

"You have low self esteem but don't worry, that's what makes me like you."--One Direction

Why do we draw sunglasses on the sun? He's the one guy who don't need em.

Some guy just made kissy noises at me on the street so I asked him if he wanted a BJ.

I hate it when guys think it's their responsibility to give me my self esteem. I call it "One Directioning".

Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, and today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

Nothing should ever be longer than an hour.

The 1st hardest part of writing is starting. The 2nd hardest part is finishing. The 3rd hardest part is everything that goes in between.

Beards are where 10s go to die.

"I'm going home to write" is code for "I'm going to walk around Urban Outfitters for a very, very long time."

Just like athletes are tested for steroids, writers should be tested for Adderall. #unfairadvantage

I always wanted to have a sex column called "Just The Tip(s)"

Fauxbia: a fake fear

And the winner of this debate is... Long Island accents.