Can we make 'humid as cunt' a thing like 'hot as balls?'

It's humid as cunt here today. Pass it on.

32. Never married. No children.

I'm the last single friend standing! I win!

*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.

I enlarged and printed your avi. Taped it to one of the chairs at my kitchen table so you can eat dinner with me and the cats.

Sometimes, I get crumbs in my cleavage.

Jug life.

1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE

Jägermeister is just a fancy word for vomit.

Before I met you fuckers, I slept.

When someone says, "There's a first time for everything," I fucking roundhouse kick them because there's a first time for everything.

If you can't handle me at my worst, HAHA JOKE'S ON YOU THAT'S ALL THERE IS

I caught the feelings once. It was awful.

People who can sleep without the aid of a ceiling fan are weird.

Or Xanax.

Or whiskey.

If I had a dick, I'm pretty sure I would tell people to suck it at least 37 times everyday.

Related: Suck my dick.

I've been starting a diet tomorrow for 15 years now.

"I'm not gonna do any of the shit I need to do tonight. I'll wake up super early in the morning and do it." - Me, every night.

Hilarious

Friend just told me that during an ultrasound, a 15 year old girl asked, "Can you tell if my baby is black or Mexican?"

What. The. Fuck?

Ways to get followed back:
- Be funny
- Star and RT like a motherfucker

Way to not get followed back:
- Ask someone to fucking follow back

You call it laziness, I call it injury prevention.

Making friends is a lot like origami. I don't know how to make origami.

Dances When Drunk - My Native American name, probably.

I didn't pee in your bed. It was a ghost. Oh my god, my shorts are wet. THAT MOTHERFUCKING GHOST PEED ON ME TOO