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I have many fetishes, some of which are even sexual.
Today is the day I request access to all those locked accounts
If I don't tweet anymore, can someone go feed my dog & alert the police
This tweet is all about me.
Oh great, that psycho bitch is subtweeting me again.
~ White Girl Problems
It's not Maybelline.
Swedish girls are Bjorn with it.
I don't mean to sound inspirational, but I am.
Misery loves cuminginme
insecurity can create the most evil of persons
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
It's ME...I'm the asshole driving in front of you right now.
A woman only gags to get out of the job at hand (or mouth).
My nana just told me if I eat bananas sexier, I'll have a boyfriend in no time.
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Amazing! For lunch I had those cookie sticks I dip in frosting
Wife: What about your job?
Me: Oh, I got fired
I managed to shave my pussy when I was pregnant, so don't you fucking tell me about blind faith.
Fuck you, involuntary grunting noise my body now makes whenever I get up out of a chair
Spouses who always think they’re right end up being left
Fun office prank: Don’t show up to work ever again.
"Yes, I'd like to report a terrorist."
"My girlfriend's being a total bitch!"
"Send her to Guantanamo Bae."
I just lost my breath while humming, but I still have high hopes that I'll live to see 30.
Im oddly funny. Random shit just flies into my head and im crazy in love with @hisdancingbitch.
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