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I don't know why I have to jog with you, you're the fat one.
You're not a victim; you're just a whiny bitch looking for an excuse.
I showed my therapist some of my retweets and now she's suggesting me a better therapist.
He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is what I'm saying.
Most people don't know that at the IKEAs in Sweden, the furniture is already put together. They just hate us.
Give 'em an inch, they'll take the next guy.
Sometimes the music in my car is so loud that I can't feel the pedestrians.
Endless fields of puppies
I think I should start over again.
I never take advice from married people because they're obviously retarded.
I got hit on by my Mom, helped my Dad save her from getting raped, & played guitar so they'd bang and have me. ~ Marty McFly.
Guys are so much easier, and well.. mostly they don't cry when you beat them up. hehe
Bitches might think they've laid claim to some mothafuckas sperm but then outta nowhere he shows up with, KAREN...
Oh, you think your opinion matters?
Delusions are so adorable.
4-year-old: I was good today.
Me: You threw a plastic truck at your sister's head.
4: Yeah, but she deserved it.
"I love you" and other lies we tell.
I just want what I want.
Hot days make me appreciate people with good personal hygiene habits
Can I have your Twitter account after it kills you?
I'm too old to want to take a selfie.
Im oddly funny. Random shit just flies into my head and im crazy in love with @hisdancingbitch.
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