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I post my best tweets on Facebook. It's like microwaving the leftovers.
All fat people tend to stick together... No really our clothes have caramel on it.
Watch my account while I take a shower?
I'm going to the motherfucking chocolate festival right now
It's Twitter, people. Did anyone purposely run over your puppy? I didn't think so. Smile and get the fuck on with the funny.
My lady told me the pork chops I made for lunch were the best she’d ever had. But soon she’ll get drunk and tell me her ex’s were bigger.
I SPEAK IN CAPS LOCKED BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING SHITIOTS!
Those empty McDonalds wrappers in my doctor’s waste paper basket are about as reassuring as that crack pipe in my dentist’s office.
What do you call a fat terrorist? An infAdele.
Sneaking back here after your twittercide.
- The Twitter Walk of Shame
Dear overly christian white southern god fearing racists, your lord and savior is a middle eastern carpenter, think about that for a second
I finally got my shit together and then I lost it.
Mumford & Sons could be in your house right now and you wouldn't know.
Freeze my nuts and I can make ice cream.
Fun is beating up a guy wearing a “fuck you” shirt in Target.
You don't need to justify your excuse.
We really don't care.
Put your psycho away sweetheart, your desperation is showing.
I had something funny that I wanted to tweet but then I got distracted and now all I can think about is blowjobs.
When she left her toothbrush at my apartment I thought she'd be coming again.
Think of how old we're gonna feel when Honey Boo Boo dies from an overdose.
Im oddly funny. Random shit just flies into my head and im crazy in love with @hisdancingbitch.