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Girl you must be my Christmas lights because you don't work and I fucking hate you
You probably wouldn't compliment my clean house if you knew I dusted everything with an old pair of underwear.
Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.
Now that I can order pizza online I literally have no reason to speak to another human again.
Christopher Columbus actually settled on Rihanna's forehead before discovering North America.
Just because you're used to something doesn't make it normal.
Maybe if you can't get somebody out of your head, they're supposed to be there.
Your wedding ring tells me you're married, but your Disney shirt tells me he cheats on you.
These ramen noodles taste like a debilitating twitter addiction.
I was chasing my dreams, but tripped over reality and woke up.
Went to the restroom at a Sports Bar.
On the wall, it said:
"For a good time, stop wasting your life watching sports."
Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made out of stone. 😉
Plastic surgery, but for emotional scars.
Just had to kill a cricket with my bare hands if anyone knows how to apply to become an Avenger.
I don't believe in god but I believe in my god given rights.
When I say it exactly the way I want to say it and it's exactly 140 characters that never happens.
People forget that kindness is free.
I give up quicker than a fat cop chasing a teenager.
I teach my first grade students that a synonym is a word that you use when you can't spell the other one.
I wish my feelings Would leave me the fuck alone..
Im oddly funny. Random shit just flies into my head and im crazy in love with @hisdancingbitch.