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Revenge is a dish best served wearing sweatpants because I like to be comfy when I poison people.
What idiot called it "the clap" and not "dishonorable discharge?"
You have an OK penis.
Iceland should win every Winter Olympic event
I may be the black sheep of the family, but the white sheep aren't as white as they appear to be
Putin just killed 50 people over that snowflake glitch
Rick Ross could make million more dollars by coming out with a brand of bra for moobs.
When I think of you, I touch myself.
With my finger.
In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.
I’m not stubborn. I just like things done the right way…my way.
Everyday 100 people in U.S. die from a drug over dose. But sadly America only takes notice or pretends to care if you're someone famous.
HR: Did you call Brenda fat?
Me: No. I told her that based on her size, she should be more jolly.
Me: Big difference.
The worst part of turning 30 is dealing with people who haven’t.
Yahoo Answers: where people who don't know the answers still answer.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Retweeting is the gracious side of twitter.
I had words with my wife last night. Actually, she had words. I just sat there and kept my mouth shut.
Facebook movies but narrated by Morgan Freeman ..!..
Clearly, there's something wrong with me.
A lot of the time you keep looking for happiness, but it is already there. And if you look with a bit more intention, you see it.
Im oddly funny. Random shit just flies into my head and im crazy in love with @hisdancingbitch.