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Let's play pancake.
I'll pour maple syrup on myself, you lick it off.
My kids are such fucking assholes in the morning. And in the afternoon.
Also, at night.
I think my memory foam mattress has Alzheimer's.
I had a dream that I got married and was happy about it. Worst nightmare ever!
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
There are penis shaped monuments all over the world is what I learned yesterday.
I can't wait to see what bad decisions I make today...
No freedom is free.
so embarrassing my boss found my backpack full of chicken nuggets. im not a child, mom, i need to put them in a briefcase like everyone else
Well 3 months on Twitter & things I've learned:
-my avi looks like hot dogs
-you guys find my lack of sex amusing
-so many funny people 💋💋
If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, pretty sure he'd appreciate a pitstop at his penis too.
Only god can make a zilla.
<----knows she can't rap
Curiosity may have killed the cat. But death may be better than some of the things I have seen here.
Everyone will have a last day on this planet. Could be today. That thought ought to make you get up off your ass & live the fuck out of life
Thank goodness I have social media to complain about things on, otherwise I'd be stuck only complaining to everyone around me all the time.
I wouldn't let Danica Patrick drive me across the street.
Rich is the new black.
Which test should I give him today?
Dinosaurs were just made up by the CIA to discourage time travel.
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