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I hate being bipolar. It's fucking awesome.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind.
What does a cigarette and a vagina have in common? The taste changes the closer you get to the butt.
If you jingle my balls, I can promise you a white christmas.
Why are all the instruments used to find "intelligent life" pointed "AWAY" from earth?
The lost boys, could kick the twilight vampires asses.
Definition of disappointment... When you have a boner and walk into a wall and break your nose.
Are there any single women on here? Cause I just want to let you all know, I'm great in bed. I can sleep 9 to 10 hours easy.
My wife woke up from a dream yelling " hurry my husbands home!" so I quickly got out of bed, grabbed my clothes and jumped out the window!
Pro tip: if you don't wear panties. You will never get them in a twist.
Families are like underwear
Some crawl up your ass
Some are twisted
Some are cheap
Some are holy
Some cover your ass when you need them too
When bad things happen to good people... I like to call that living.
Star Fucking is awesome... Retweet Fucking is so much hotter. Ever notice the retweet symbol is 69? It's like watching lesbians.
Get off my TL is the new get off my lawn.
If Dear Abby was a man every answer would go something like this...Dear-cook your man a nice meal give him a blow job and quit your bitching
A- almost boobs
B- barely there
C- can't complain
DD- double damn
G- get a reduction
H- help I've fallen
Twitter is the only place I can make a fool of myself and it's accepted.
Fat girls that wear glitter are also known as disco balls.
The definition of trust is two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.
Women who wear fishnets can catch their own food.
Im oddly funny. Random shit just flies into my head and im crazy in love with @hisdancingbitch.