My phone auto-corrected "haha" to "hahaha" -- um, yea it was funny, but let's keep our pants on.

I'm too tired to do a lap dance. How 'bout I just sit on your knee and you do the horsey thing?

If penises could talk, I bet they'd sound like the Beggin' Strips dog.

Fight just broke out in Tech Support. Lightsabers everywhere.

When I hang out with my girlfriends, they all gush about the new guys they are dating and then turn to me and say "how's Twitter?"

Facebook should be called Pregslist.

No one eats chocolate in tiny orgasmic bites like the women in the commercials. You shove it in your face hole as fast as you can, then cry.

If I had a Mexican restaurant, it would be called "Guac Me Amadeus" and yes, it would rock.

Masturbating is winning the battle but losing the war.

Eating McDonald's after working out is like getting shot in the face after putting on makeup.

I thought putting a mirror above the bed would be hot, but as my stuffed animals and I lay here, it really just accentuates our dead eyes.

The drunk text from a guy you decided not to go home with is like the ankle grab from someone you just shot.

Stop mentioning your wife in your tweets. It's really getting in the way of the fake life I've built for us.

Anxiety is thinking you might be pregnant, every month, when you never have sex.

I just paid $4 for this coffee. YOU put the fucking lid on it.

I wanna order this "Boyfriend Cardigan" from J.Crew, but I'm afraid it's going to smoke too much pot and slowly lose interest in me.

If you lined up all the guys I had sex with end to end that would be awesome cuz I could take a truck and run over them all

i think i'm gonna start wearing glasses and my hair in a bun, so people will know the exact moment i loosen up.

Does anyone wanna go to a movie with me and not hang out before or after and not talk to me during? #perfectdate

Just read that the average woman has slept with 10 men. 'Sup mom, who's above average now.