7 Moustache Stages:

1. Fear
2. Embarrassment
3. Acceptance
4. Clouseau
5. Porn Star
6. Magnum
7. Moving to the woods & writing a manifesto

Thanks for the shitty maps, Apple. I'd come kick your ass but I can't find a route to Cupertino that doesn't end in a Dali painting.

Sometimes I feel like feeding my dog biscuits is nothing more than inserting tokens into a poop machine.

How many careers do you have to go through before you finally say "Fuck it, I'm opening a tanning salon."?

I met a woman last night who made me think I should buy a van, if only to have her likeness airbrushed on the side.

I'm continually surprised at how happy dogs are to get dog food, especially as none of them have ever seen us eat it.

Today the wife said my jokes were getting repetitive. "Sarcastic Reply #6," I said, and we both laughed at our interminably stagnant future.

Sesame Street is bringing a "poverty-striken" muppet to the show. I'm interested to see how she'll out-poor the guy living in a trash can.

Concession speech from @ryanmeili was classy, uniting, and powerful. Ryan, you are one in a million. #skndpldr

@wotherspoont @trent4leader I've always had a great respect for your honesty, sincerity, and hard work. Thank you so much. #skndpldr

"Five Beautiful Women! Four Beautiful Teeth!" #BadStripClubPromotions

I am so happy to hear that The Biggest Loser isn't just 60 minutes of Carrot Top.

Me: Bieber, Carley Rae Jepsen, and Gordon Lightfoot? One of these things doesn't belong.
The Wife: More like two of these things. #100GC

$8 million saved by cutting #SFETC = significant. $175 million lost revenue by 2% tax cut to business = no big.  http://goo.gl/FFO7X  #skpoli

I just learned you're supposed to apologize profusely, not profanely. So my fucking bad, I'm really goddamn sorry, bitches.

I am extremely disappointed with @premierebradwall both in his decision to cancel the SFETC and for referring to it as a "grant". #skpoli

I just had a Ukrainian beer. And when I opened it, there was another, smaller beer inside.

21st century ways to leave your lover: Call on her cell, Mel. Send her a text, Rex. Do it by tweet, Pete. Write on her wall, Paul.

I am 11 days older than John Nilson's beard. #skndpldr #OhGod

Ernst & Young says Michigan's film tax credit generated $6 in economic activity for every $1 spent. #SFETC #skpoli http://t.co/hI83NrDf