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7 Moustache Stages:
5. Porn Star
7. Moving to the woods & writing a manifesto
Thanks for the shitty maps, Apple. I'd come kick your ass but I can't find a route to Cupertino that doesn't end in a Dali painting.
Sometimes I feel like feeding my dog biscuits is nothing more than inserting tokens into a poop machine.
How many careers do you have to go through before you finally say "Fuck it, I'm opening a tanning salon."?
I met a woman last night who made me think I should buy a van, if only to have her likeness airbrushed on the side.
I'm continually surprised at how happy dogs are to get dog food, especially as none of them have ever seen us eat it.
Today the wife said my jokes were getting repetitive. "Sarcastic Reply #6," I said, and we both laughed at our interminably stagnant future.
Sesame Street is bringing a "poverty-striken" muppet to the show. I'm interested to see how she'll out-poor the guy living in a trash can.
"Five Beautiful Women! Four Beautiful Teeth!" #BadStripClubPromotions
I am so happy to hear that The Biggest Loser isn't just 60 minutes of Carrot Top.
I just learned you're supposed to apologize profusely, not profanely. So my fucking bad, I'm really goddamn sorry, bitches.
I just had a Ukrainian beer. And when I opened it, there was another, smaller beer inside.
21st century ways to leave your lover: Call on her cell, Mel. Send her a text, Rex. Do it by tweet, Pete. Write on her wall, Paul.