OBAMBO NUMBER FIVE!! "a little bit of Sasha, make your bed, a little bit of Malia *pats her head*, a little Michelle (good work with schools

I'm sorry the "S" fell off our sign, but expectations notwithstanding, the Slaughterhouse can't refund your money, you already saw the cows.

Reading twitter this morning is like finding a shredded script for an episode of 24 and hollering out sentences as you piece them together

Michelle Obama on Fallon and now presenting at the Oscars. I know how PR works; she definitely has an album coming out soon.

I wonder why, when we ask children what they are going to be when they grow up, we're referring to careers instead of character traits.

If you guys are into NoiseTrade (which, it's free music, so…) I'm the featured artist today! Free Songs Here:  http://noisetrade.com/leviweaver/noisetrade-sampler …

This is why New Orleans can't have nice things.

'IN ACCORDANCE WITH PROPHECY!" - How I plan to finish every sentence today, thus losing all my friends, in accordance with prophecy.

In the words of the great Bob Dylan: "mrruhhemmmmmu mrrrrrrr. Hummmrmmmmmrrruuuuuummmmm"

If you watch the Olympics backwards, it's people from the whole world giving gold, silver, and bronze to England (or basically the 1700's)

Why is my generation cool? Because we're the last one that can destroy all evidence of what we said/did when we were stupid 14-year olds.

"WE DON'T PLAY WITH OUR PRIVATES, RIGHT?" my son hollers out from stall two of the Love's somewhere in Arkansas. "correct", I whisper back.

"yo homes, smell ya latte! Looked at mocha-ngdom I was grindally there, to sit on my foam, the French Press of Bel-Aire!"

Joke: a man walks into a barn… It is eerily silent. He looks around, confused, unaware that I typed an extra N and just tried to go with it.

Do Understand: the importance of capturing/killing Bin Laden. Do Not Understand: the frat party happening in the US. I feel very somber.

Has there EVER been a more aptly-named restaurant than the Cracker Barrel?

At Christian labels, do they cast the demos out. That's it, that's the joke.

if all the bad things are too overwhelming, join me in watching a cat dressed as a shark on a roomba chasing a duck  http://i.imgur.com/ZwLtozI.gif 

Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter. Or as I call them: Allergies, Sweat, Awesome, and Freezing.

We're just ghosts, driving these bodies around like machines and we can't decide if we're more afraid of being found out or never known.