Pornography = replacement for sex -> Drug = substitute for reality -> Twitter = substitute for life.

My girlfriend is ashamed for not having shaved. I do not know how to convince her that I would have sex with a goat if necessary.

The penis is a weapon of mass reproduction.

Loneliness is like a marriage, the beginning is very nice, but after a while it becomes unbearable.

Think that everyone is naked is a trick that helps you relax when you have to masturbate in public.

The best thing you can do during an earthquake is skydiving. The worst, riding a mechanical bull.

The iPad is used to put it in your ear and pretend you're a troll with a giant iPhone, right?

Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind her another man, taking advantage of the former is very busy and travels a lot.

I have never been given a surprise party, the closest thing was when I was born.

Rape is an ugly word, I prefer to use "lover unsolicited"

Faced with the impending separation, Bruce Willis asks custody of Ashton Kutcher.

When I grow up I want to be like Tony Stark, "A superhero?, no, an arms dealer, womanizer and alcoholic.

It's funny to be a surgeon you have to spend more than 10 years of preparation, but to lead a country only ask you to control your bowels.

I think there is more elegant way to die than drowning overdose on your own vomit next to the corpse of a whore in Bangkok.

I think the only reason I go to a concert Ke$ha would be to throw peanuts.

Shouting "Achievement unlocked" the first time you have anal sex with your partner. It's those little things that destroy relationships.

Marriage is just a good way to say "I hate you!"

The drugs and love, cause increased heart rate. The only difference is that drugs are less destructive.

I think I'm the only person who thinks that Jessica Alba's daughter looks like "Snowflake, the white gorilla."

I am very famous, what happens is that nobody knows.