Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or the rooster's insistence that he knows what's best for both of their bodies?

Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah?

You guys ever sigh so long it turns into a yawn that turns into a nap that turns into a lifestyle?

So, anyone going to that Burning Woman festival in Tampa?

Romney's statement that Iran is "four years closer to a nuclear bomb" shows real understanding of the way the space-time continuum works.

I bet I'd be a really great DJ because many musical artists have made good songs.

You can really learn a lot about a person in that moment they must say a word or a name that someone else just obviously mispronounced.

The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, "What's water?" so she wouldn't feel stupid.

Whenever someone hands me their business card, I'm like, "How on earth did this guy know I'm ready to spit my gum out?"

You can tell a lot about a person by reading their email.

Flipped a coin and it looks like I'm voting for George Washington.

Anyone else notice that if you rearrange the letters in the Hollywood Sign, you get arrested?

I like to make my cat allergy seem cool by telling people I'm allergic to tigers.

Somehow things have gotten switched around so that all famous people have nine lives and all cats have fifteen minutes of fame.

Never really a bridesmaid either.

Everyone who signed my middle school yearbook will be happy to hear that I have, in fact, stayed cool.

Million-dollar idea!: Work very hard and, over time, gradually earn a million dollars.

Sometimes I wonder if all of America isn't just a reality show being produced for the entertainment of Canada.

I'm pretty sure the best thing about being Jesus is knowing that your parents never fucked.

The world is never more impressed than when a white person sings like a black person.