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I took some melatonin and my warm, soft puppy's sleeping on my chest. I think I finally understand emoji.
As a former drinker, I feel disingenuous ordering Shirley Temples at bars, which is why I call them Tatum O'Neals.
"And we'll never beat Royals..." - the Oakland A's. NAILED IT, MAEBY
You guys think the White House intruder got in because the President left a key under the mat for Olivia Pope?
My favorite game to play in Los Angeles is called, 'Bluetooth, Actor or Schizophrenic?"
My favorite Greek myth is the one where Narcissus can't stop gazing at his own @-replies.
I saw the best minds of my generation call themselves that after a few drinks.
My attitude towards sex is that I'm saving myself from marriage.
On my way to a friend's play reading. Did you hear that St. Peter, I am on my way to a FRIEND'S PLAY READING.
My favorite first date question is, "So, are a sociopath or a narcissist?"
Anyone figure out a good answer to, "What do you like to do for fun?" yet?
My favorite country song is totally that, "Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate hate" one.
I'd say that the one shared feature of all the TV shows I love is a lot of very sad fucking.
If I ran a dating site, it would definitely include a, "List any reasons why you're legally not allowed to give blood" section.
On the plus side, though, murder is meat.
I don't want to seem braggy, but growing up in big cities means that I can pretty much always tell when that piss smell was left by a human.
Being Jewish on one side and Polish on the other, I'm pretty sure I have relatives named both Smeagol and Gollum.
The John Crawford Wal-Mart shooting is a terrible tragedy, but also a parable about every single thing that's wrong with this country.
Going out to get my hair did and my casual racism accomplished!
My only relationship regrets involve cool t-shirts I wish I'd stolen.