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"Daddy. When I grow up, I want to be a consultant."
I don't want to brag, but I have finally, officially made it. (I got a parking ticket today and it didn't completely wreck me financially.)
Starting to think I probably shouldn't have put down all that money on Sarah Lawrence getting into the Final Four.
Oregon woman jailed for incestuous relationship with her father. HBO to adapt.
The question no one wants to ask is, "How's Waldo?"
Shared Google docs: When you want 12 other people to see you really get down and work out the spelling of "deterrent."
"Morning: noun, a period of time when people are mostly interested in celebrity birthdays." - LA radio
He's a real triple-threat. A scribe, a helmer and a thesp.
Oh, baby. I want you to come on my brain.
Yes, Grandma, "selfie stick" is the term the kids are using for masturbation these days.
I like my coffee like I like my president. Not Tea.
The mark of a terrible cook is claiming to make a really excellent guacamole.
You're so vain you probably think this plate is about you, don't you? It's: FUWRNB80
The battle I'm choosing is to speak up for this Instagram pig I follow whose asshole is being unfairly censored.
Man, these so-called "health experts" sure do put a premium on "staying alive."
Our prison system works great if the objective is to rehabilitate the Nazi movement.
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