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Selfie sticks are officially banned in more places than assault rifles.
It's Adam and Eve, not two gay men whose one son didn't viciously murder their other son.
Set my password to "thanks!" in case anyone just decides to pay my phone bill.
Okay, but let's maybe give a little more attention to the moment right before the shit hit the fan.
Girl, are you a guy? Because I take what you say seriously and treat you with respect.
I'm scrolling through my photo stream, and it looks like all my memories will be of parking lot sections I've left my car in.
Fact: 50% of relationships end while trying to get the fitted sheet onto the mattress.
Guy in the corner office has yelled "Clooney! and "Bigelow!" so many times that I have to assume he's trying to call a pair of cats.
Piano Man is definitely my least favorite superhero.
"You don't have to try and eat something simply because it exists." - Today's subject in my diet book for dogs
"Long time caller, first time listener." - My family
If you can use "brunch" as a verb, then I should be able to use "fork" as a weapon.
I am 100% against the death penalty by all methods except for Pop Rocks and Coke.
When the apocalypse comes, we will clothe ourselves in free totes.
Goal weight: fitting into the size XS coffin.
I've got an LA face, an Oakland booty, and narcissistic personality disorder.
Somewhat sad to realize that Snapchat content might be the closest thing our children will have to the theatrical play.
Let's at least get our gun legislation to the point where it's harder to acquire a firearm than to get a razor out of its plastic packaging.
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