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I'm chugging NyQuil from the bottle & throwing the empties at the wall like I've never even motherfucking HEARD of a 12-step program, y'all!
I've been linked romantically to a headboard or two.
What kind of degree do you need to become one of those scientists who studies how many spiders we swallow at night?
I don't know what bae means and I don't wanna know. To me, it'll always just be a thing I called my lawyer once, then felt real weird about.
I know Bert & Ernie are officially on record as being non-amorous just-pals, but there's no way they don't have GREAT sleepy morning sex.
I do one thing well while sick, and it's a Lucinda Williams impression that shifts unexpectedly into a Gilbert Gottfried impression.
Hunter Pence, god bless him, runs the bases like he's being chased by the cops.
Hobbies include: trying to figure out the meaning of life before the NyQuil kicks in.
A true lady does a little bit of research each morning to make sure her eyebrows are still on-trend.
Tweeted something with improper punctuation, so I guess this day's a fuckin' wash.
"It's like "Batman Begins" meets "Batman and Robin" meets "Batman Forever," just without Batman." - The "Gotham" pitch
You GUYS! @patrickmoberg drew my dog and it's amazingly perfect, as is his new book: http://www.patrickmoberg.com/lessons-from-a-dog/ … pic.twitter.com/xH2wFgzhOB
Ultimate M. Night Shyamalan twist: It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!
It would be a nice change if the next model of human beings has an emotion setting that defaults to compassion.
""Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." - The iTunes user agreement, probably
I'm only-soothed-by-lying-on-the-bathroom-tiles-sick, if anyone has a 90's alternative video they've been meaning to shoot.
Goddamn, the Tootsie Pop owl gives the WORST blowjobs.
I mean, at best, Taylor Swift wrote that song about the Paramus mall.
"Welcome to New York, it's been waiting for you" is absolutely the last thing you hear before you die.
Rand Paul: the "I wanna be President so I can find out if aliens are real" candidate.