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Whenever I want to feel like a celebrity I go to a super crowded gay bar and just waltz right into the women's restroom.
I'd listen to just about anyone read the phone book, if it's from a Polish neighborhood.
I'm just glad Leonard Nimoy was here for the llamas, you know?
I have this really deep political theory, and it's that if you put a Ken doll in the microwave, it would come out looking like John Boehner.
I wonder if a corgi has ever tried to mate with a skateboard.
Zero guinea pigs but a lot of torture porn. My recap of the House of Cards premiere: http://observer.com/2015/02/house-of-cards-season-3-premieres-reveals-ins-outs-of-underwoods-america/ …
The song "Rocket Man" might include the only instance where "high as a kite" is actually used as an understatement.
Ayn Rand is a real sociopath's sociopath.
Not owning a gym membership is the only punk rock statement left.
Meanwhile, Carrie Underwood is weeping fat Chris Pine tears.
The Technical Oscars... Where you "technically" win an Oscar.
Anyone else ever notice that if you rearrange the letters in the Hollywood Sign, you get arrested?
Happy Scare the Shit Out of a Non-Catholic Wednesday!
"Pour myself a cup of ambition"... That's semen, right?
"It's... you know... for RESEARCH." - My response to anyone who looks at my browser history and sees the search for "fancy hammocks."
I'm a drugstore cowboy in the sense that I wander Rite Aid grabbing products, changing my mind, & casually displacing them from their homes.
"I think, therefore I am," says the guy who obviously would have had a verified account.
Contrary to popular belief, science.
My opinion of Foxcatcher is that it's amazing a guy named Dan Futterman wrote a Steve Carell character and didn't name him "Dan Futterman."
The worst thing about walking around covered in dog hair is that people always assume it's cat hair.
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