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"Y'all motherfuckers want to get heil?" - Fun Hitler
Having an existential crisis about the fact that my current existential crisis is the same existential crisis I had three years ago.
Just text typo'd a semicolon instead of a colon, and now I have to decide whether it's worse for my friend to think I'm stupid or I'm anal.
I found a dirty, half-headed teddy bear in my car today. Looks like someone's trying to send me the message that I am lovable and so sweet.
If you're looking for a word that'll make you wonder if you're somehow being offensive every time you use it, get into working with spigots.
Select the "random opponent" option in Scramble With Friends, and just like that, you've signed up for an online dating site for tweakers.
I'm giving up topical jokes for Lent.
So, are you a dog person or a horrible person?
Is the tweezer (twee geezer) a type? Because I think it might be mine.
"If you think about it, that's actually more of a millipede." - Complaint no one has had about the Human Centipede movies
What a glorious world we live in when Brad Pitt has become the poor man's Matthew McConaughey.
Two decades later, the most salient lessons of RENT are still that there are 525,600 minutes in a year and that HIV is kinda edgy.
My Oscar Fever finally broke, and now I've just got a mild Interested in Seeing What Jennifer Lawrence Wears Sweat.
Could God create a plotline so complicated even He could not figure out the fucking logic of it? I don't know, but I sure can!
I'm feeling a little emotionally choked by my turtleneck tonight.
Don't you hate it when you say yes to a dinner party invitation before you remember you've already raided that couple's medicine cabinet?
Ugh, my shower caddy keeps handing me the wrong size razor.
Instagram: Where you can post your stupid cake and eat it too.
"I allow myself the luxury of using a semicolon like once every 5,000 words." - The worst thing ever said by anyone, who incidentally was me
Noticed there haven't been any "Grace" puns in pilot titles in quite a while. Should someone check on Hollywood?