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Your mom wants to know if you'd like anything from Chipolte.
Want to see real horror? Check out the cabinet of Mrs. Caligari. Motherfucking cold creams, three sizes of tampons, all those tweezers.
Can you even wait for the day that the celebrity babies are old enough to have babies with the other celebrity babies??
Too hot to complain about the weather.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
The best thing about the parking lot mnemonic device "2B or not 2B" is that it still works even if you're wrong.
I mean, that Kent State sweatshirt is distasteful and all, but at least it isn't tie-dye.
I mean, yeah, Iggy Azalea might be fancy, but she's nouveau fancy.
This is the kind of heat where it counts as sex to be within ten feet of another human being.
It's really nice inside today.
My little brother's renouncing football watching this year, and I'm so proud of the way he turned out that I'm taking complete credit.
A man at a bar just introduced himself as "James, but everyone calls me Dr. Tatum." (This is a tweet for my grandmother.)
I would have been way more respectful of "Sons of Anarchy" if they'd just gone ahead and called it "Hamlet on Hogs."
Pleather used to be fun, but he's become insufferable ever since people started calling him Vegan Leather.
I've identified more than a few George Michaels at my neighborhood's main doggie bathroom area.
How is the talking point not that, whoa, 99 problems is a LOT of problems?
Did you know that if the Earth were shipped from the Internet, the packaging it came in would wrap around the Earth 450 times?
You know I'm cool because all my hemlines are asymmetrical as fuck!
What do I fear most? Probably a man in an open-toe shoe.