My spirit animal is the one that kills yours and wears it as a hat.

Remembering to take my birth control BEFORE I get drunk.

If I were a life coach my slogan would be, “sit on the couch with a full glass of wine and say fuck it”.

Ladies, if a guy won't let you touch your clit while he bangs you, don't you dare make him a sandwich.

I call my clit Shanaynay because she's from the hood.

No mom, I will not drive 10 miles to come show you how to use your remote. Again.

having a cold is not so bad, at least I can perfect my Lois Griffin impression!

I suck at arguing and by that I mean I will absolutely suck your penis to end an argument.

I told my mom I drink sleepytime tea* before bed.
*bong rip

Hey granny smith apples, be less sour & nasty and we'll change your name.

The word “harder” usually induces anxiety, unless it’s a question in the bedroom.

It's time for my ritual of seeing if I can finish an entire bag of microwave popcorn on my 15-minute lunch break.

I miss being a barista and seeing everyone put lids on my latte art without ever glancing at it.

oh me? Just drinking some JesusJuice* and reading the bible**.

*red wine
**twitter

"this is why old people don't use computers" -my mom, after 3 failed captcha attempts.

The best part of my day was finding out my least favorite co-worker sprained her wrist playing Wii tennis. Too fat for real tennis.

what I'm wondering is how the hell fake nails are sexy. short nails provide optimal handjob abilities.

a boy just glazed my ham and now I need a towel! preferably one that's not already glazed.

My mom just texted me another one of her daily updates and said, "is this what twitting feels\looks like? If so I have a following of 1!"

Life coaches should just tell everyone to become a life coach cuz that’s a pretty brilliant scam.