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Profanity is a crutch for the inarticulate mother fucker.
Every time I use a public restroom I think "This many people have Sharpies on them all the time?" - Noel
It deserves to be repeated; Aerosmith was so much better when they were on drugs.
I can't wait until Google is implanted into our heads and all I have to do is think of a question and BAM!....instant fucking genius.
Accidentally bought decaf. Kill me now.
Just watched the first episode of American Horror Story. If Jessica Lange suddenly showed up in my kitchen I'd be scared as hell too.
I just favorited my own tweet. I feel so dirty.
One is the loneliest number. Seven is kinda racist. Nine needs to just come out already. Four drinks to forget. Three is so so angry. -Noel
It sort of saddens me that the elephant is the official mascot of the GOP. Such a beautiful animal otherwise.
I don't think this pizza with bacon on it has quite enough calories. Can I have some ranch dressing to dip it in? Thanks.
In retrospect, we all should have known John Travolta was gay. That guy could dance like a mother fucker.
Please join me in prayer for white people making the difficult transition from pumpkin spice to eggnog lattes. - Noel
Debt collectors are bottom feeders. "@luvluchia: Debt collector berates disabled #veteran. 'Should’ve served better.' http://rt.com/usa/news/us-debt-collector-disabled-veteran-372/ …"
I'm stuck on 599 followers. The suspense us killing me. It's like just putting the tip in and stopping.
A wise man admits he knows nothing. That makes me a genius.