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Guess if I was a school receptionist I'd be grouchy too.
Shave your balls. Fucksakes.
What I may lack in intelligence I more than make up for with an abundance of nostril hair, ear wax and brown teeth. Get at me ladies.
*Overdoses on Cadbury Mini Eggs*
As hungover as I feel, I'm actually doing shit today and getting things done.
*Adds "Doer of shit" to resumè*
Who wants to rub their danglers in a stranger's bearded face?
Nowadays Captain Sulu's phaser is set to stunning or fabulous.
My pet rock always takes our relationship for granite.
I just saved a bunch of money on my health insurance by switching to Divorced.
My tolerance for wine is so high, it's unhealthy. I'm cutting back. Just a couple glasses at dinner.
switch to Vodka.
Anytime I see a homeless person passed out in the street I think to myself I could easily be in their situation, and then I piss on them.
Me: Yes, I'd like to return this blower. It doesn't work.
Sears Customer Service: Sir, you can't just leave your wife here.
I sure pay a lot of money for cable to just stare at my phone.
Just had the best dream sex ever.
Was about to post a selfie on Instagram, but then I remembered my bf has a penis I could sit on