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Twitter is God's way of saying there can't possibly be a God.
Coffee and porn!!!!!
Create the universe for the benefit of humans.
Drown the humans.
Die for the humans.
Rise for the humans.
Ding dongs make me nervous, I won't even touch my own.
You mean object?
NO I OBJECTIFY
Explain yourself, counselor.
IT'S THE WITNESS, SHE HAS SOME BIG OL' TITTAYS
Good insights into why textbooks cost as much as they do. http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2014/10/03/353300404/episode-573-why-textbook-prices-keep-climbing …
"Do you believe that perhaps it was a mistake to cross the road?"
*chicken leans into mic*
Pull out the anal beads like you're starting a lawn mower.
Me: Do you wanna hold the tool or the fleshlight?
Her: Did you say fleshlight?
Beginning of the relationship: hold your farts in.
Dating a while: warn them after you let one rip.
Marriage: enjoy as they walk into one.
"That tweet is totally gonna be a hit"
-me, 10 minutes before no RTs
Wishing everyone something out of the ordinary today.....and by out of the ordinary, I mean sex.
My coworkers are all worried about Ebola and I'm over here just counting down the hours until I can get drunk.
Him- You're a useless piece of shit..
Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.
I heard you like subtweets and nachos.