Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Ding dongs make me nervous, I won't even touch my own.
You mean object?
NO I OBJECTIFY
Explain yourself, counselor.
IT'S THE WITNESS, SHE HAS SOME BIG OL' TITTAYS
Good insights into why textbooks cost as much as they do. http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2014/10/03/353300404/episode-573-why-textbook-prices-keep-climbing …
"Do you believe that perhaps it was a mistake to cross the road?"
*chicken leans into mic*
Pull out the anal beads like you're starting a lawn mower.
Me: Do you wanna hold the tool or the fleshlight?
Her: Did you say fleshlight?
Beginning of the relationship: hold your farts in.
Dating a while: warn them after you let one rip.
Marriage: enjoy as they walk into one.
"That tweet is totally gonna be a hit"
-me, 10 minutes before no RTs
Wishing everyone something out of the ordinary today.....and by out of the ordinary, I mean sex.
My coworkers are all worried about Ebola and I'm over here just counting down the hours until I can get drunk.
Him- You're a useless piece of shit..
Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.
I heard you like subtweets and nachos.
We're heading to the bottom of the ninth with the Royals trailing by one down to their last three outs.
Sean Doolittle needs three outs. A fitting way to decide the season.
Me: Want to role play tonight?
Wife: Not if you’re going to pretend to be a Transformer again.
Me: Erection-bot, assemble!
Brandon Moss. Oakland loves you. So much. So freaking much.