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I can't go out tonight guys…Cool Runnings is on.
J/K I have no life.
Apathy is the enemy.
I pooped a turtle
My sex tape is just me sliding the charger into my phone.
No amount of Twitter fame will ever change what they did to you in high school.
The word is 'divorce'
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
*turns to camera*
I know ur cheating on me Karen, I want a divorce.
How in the hell is there no hot sauce in this house?
Me: We can afford it. I'm putting my foot down and buying a pool table.
Me: *buys wicker furniture with matching throw pillows*
My housekeeper once saw me in my unders holding a 9mm when she showed up an hour early and set my house alarm off. I felt like Walter White.
showing the capricious nature of absolute power, the Prom King and Queen have all other guests broken on the rack, then executed by fire
I took a shit so big, I got postpartum depression.
Scrolling the Netflix "Watch It Again" section is a special kind of sadness.
Saw a UFO yesterday.....
So did the obvious and quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it with.......
Interviewer "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."
"Would you like to elaborate?"
A wise man admits he knows nothing. That makes me a genius.
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