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My family crest is just scrumptious pizza crust
If you sleep with a guy on the first date, just use my excuse: "Vicki Vale slept with Batman on their first date."
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Midnight snack: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I can't believe Americans trust that their voting machines work. The US government can't even provide water that doesn't have lead in it.
I'm sorry to the people just starting Twitter. We already tweeted everything.
Damn, not Prince. I was a huge fan in my teen years. This ones hard to take. Wow.
Eric Clapton was asked about how it felt to be the world's best guitarist.
His response: "I don't know. Ask Prince".
"I'm a republican."
I gotta go. Headed to an abortion party.
I like my steak rarer than a white penis in a Kardashian.
When Trump builds the wall.
We're gonna slingshot my people in, like Angry birds.. We have it all figured out.
Cut the shit, turtles. Wondering around all day with your house on your back, no place to go, just eating lettuce. You look like idiots.
I take my Fitbit with me to bars because stumbling home doubles your step count.
The more you know.
Put your damn crayons down and get back to wasting all your time retweeting like a sensible adult.
A paunchy man wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt and jorts told the front desk clerk he needed a wake up call so I agreed with him.
A wise man admits he knows nothing. That makes me a genius.
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