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You can stop doing sit ups. Nobody's checking for abs anymore.
Gravitational waves are a hoax perpetuated by the physicist-industrial complex to take our guns and jobs.
In Hell, you shovel your driveway clean and the moment you're done, a plow goes by and you have to start again.
Sorry, wait. That's Canada.
Prediction: By the fall, moderate Republican pundits will declare that given the Democrat’s flaws, Trump is the better choice.
I am "The Budweiser Frogs was the best Super Bowl commercial ever" years old.
If you can't figure out how to walk out on stage when your name has been called, you should not be allowed to be in charge of a country.
I love you as much as a Kardashian loves looking at herself.
Algo Rithm would be a cool star wars character name
I am the nerd dream you've been looking for.
*saunters toward you
Ehh... Fuck it. I'm gonna go play Clash. Want some Cheetos?
I'm celebrating Ronald Reagan's 105th bday by arming both sides of the Iran/Iraq war while talking a lot about the importance of faith.
I feel like George Jetson when I complain about having to push too many buttons to get pizza without leaving my couch.
Yes, human. You are the center of the universe.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it could be a male wood frog and you have terrible vision.
"Let's get this party started"
- Me, crawling into bed
A wise man admits he knows nothing. That makes me a genius.
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