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I didn't know some iOS users felt so possessive about #instagram. I didn't even know a life could be that empty, actually.
When did the left lane become the province of cowards and the elderly? The left lane is for HEROES & ASSHOLES. Move over.
The best way to handle teens is with a nonlethal wounding followed by pointed explanation. "See, this happened because you're an asshole."
Hey braided-goatee-and-eyebrow-hoop @guitarcenter guy: Coming from you, "I use it myself" isn't a recommendation, it's a cautionary tale.
Vans making shoes that play #larsulrich quotes. If I want to hear an asshole speak with each step, I'll just eat some dairy.
Welcome to another exciting edition of Crap I Don't Care About, starring Your Opinion.
The difference in stress between a CEO & a teacher is the same as the difference between worrying about having all the guns, and being shot.
So, to review, "assless" chaps are "regular" chaps, or just chaps. Assed chaps are the ones that need the qualifier.
collegehumor: Awesome Zoidberg Flyer
Woob woob woob woob woob. http://t.co/yWOsgUQL
Voting for someone with vast unearned wealth is EXACTLY like saying, "you know what I miss? MONARCHY."
@pattonoswalt @nekocase Verna Motherfuckin' Fields! She made the greats look even better.
"Only man with gonorrhea who masturbate know the sound of one hand clapping." #fortunecookiefreakout
I like to think the do-nothing "mystery switch" in our dining room controls Bill O'Reilly's hemorrhoid flare-ups.
@jessmillr That's my go-to collective noun now. "Ugh, I feel like turds because I ate a freakin' GANG BANG of Bugles."
@betthearm once peed on my foot outside at a party, and the next morning I ran to China for hangover takeout. #truelegendsofthearm
#MLK was killed for displaying the 2 traits that most terrify those who would control us: fearlessness and compassion.
#ThePirateBay wants to put torrent servers in space - where, that's right, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU STREAM. #sorry #hadtodothat
That guy that did that thing in that bar that one time.
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