Just killed a spider for the first time without peeing myself. Thug life.

I'm beating my previous record for number of consecutive days alive.

I think I feel sick tomorrow.

Hot Pockets should come with a warning about the blast of molten lava into your mouth. And a skin graft coupon.

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

@natqtpie @jennaanne01 look at this secret someone posted about you two on the @postsecret app! http://t.co/WWzLai27

The guy who discovered milk, what was he doing with that cow?

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

If you get invited to an AT&T executive's wedding, don't go. The reception will be terrible.

I thought of a new, more honest acronym. INRLOLBTWMF. I'm not really laughing out loud but that was mildly funny.

Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.

I don't know which is stronger: My desire to not be a bitch, or my desire not to be one of Jay-Z's problems.

Facebook is the easiest way to play my favorite game from high school, "You Were Right, They're Totally Gay."

When I was a kid, I bugged my mom for a Super Nintendo. She just tied a cape around my regular Nintendo and told me to shut the fuck up.

I once walked a mile in my own shoes only to come to the conclusion that walking a mile is retarded when you own a car.

If you can't say "something nice", you should consult a speech therapist. Seriously, it's only 3 fucking syllables.

Taylor Swift should write a song called "maybe I'm the problem"

If you play Apple's Beatle announcement backwards it says "I can't believe you don't know how to download music illegally"

Do airplane crash survivors get frequent flier miles for the whole journey they booked or only the actual miles flown?

My friend just asked for a turn on the Nintendo. I said there's no "we" in Wii. Just two I's. I win at sharing.