You don't realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.

If you can't make fun of yourself then you have no business making fun of others.

You know if a girl is wearing a scrunchie on her wrist, she's ready for blow jobs at a moment's notice.

I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up.

It hasn't so I had some cheese.

I think I'm allergic to humans.

If Jesus is my co-pilot I'm pretty sure he's white knuckling it the whole time.

Some kid walking in the parking lot flashed gang signs as I drove by. I read them as 'try to hit me with your car'. I hope I got that right.

If I was a gay dude, I would totally hide behind some big boob avi just to get DMs of some straight guy cock. But that's just me I'm sure.

When someone has a great tweet, I like to copy it. It's called retweeting. You know, where the person who originally wrote it is referenced.

For medical professionals that hit a vein on the first try, YOU ROCK!

The rest of you suck and should get jobs where you can't hurt people.

I can't figure out if skinny or curvy is in, so I'm just going for the middle road of "skurvy".

I over-analyze everything.

Damn, probably should not tweet that. Maybe. I think it's okay. It's about being honest. But is it too honest?

I like to trip my cats when they run by because fuck them.

Oh new follower, you're so cute and I'm sure I'd enjoy following you, but I know you'll unfollow as soon as I say cock sucking motherfucker.

Facebook is an excellent medium for white people to promote hate and bigotry veiled in Christianity.

It never ceases to amaze me how people can miss my subtle undertones of sarcasm.

You never see advertisements for things you already know are good like bacon, ice cream, cigarettes and blow jobs.

That's right River Monsters guy, piranha don't kill people, it's the blood loss and shock from all those sharp teeth biting into your flesh.

New employee in the lunchroom looks just like one of my old friends. That committed suicide. Probably not a good thing to tell her.

Some days I think that I pulled my hair back too tight and that's why my head hurts and people are stupid.