If you can't make fun of yourself then you have no business making fun of others.

You don't realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.

I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up.

It hasn't so I had some cheese.

You know if a girl is wearing a scrunchie on her wrist, she's ready for blow jobs at a moment's notice.

If Jesus is my co-pilot I'm pretty sure he's white knuckling it the whole time.

I think I'm allergic to humans.

When someone has a great tweet, I like to copy it. It's called retweeting. You know, where the person who originally wrote it is referenced.

I over-analyze everything.

Damn, probably should not tweet that. Maybe. I think it's okay. It's about being honest. But is it too honest?

I can't figure out if skinny or curvy is in, so I'm just going for the middle road of "skurvy".

Some kid walking in the parking lot flashed gang signs as I drove by. I read them as 'try to hit me with your car'. I hope I got that right.

I like how the Catholic church simultaneously protects pedophiles while opposing gay marriage.

I like to trip my cats when they run by because fuck them.

You never see advertisements for things you already know are good like bacon, ice cream, cigarettes and blow jobs.

For medical professionals that hit a vein on the first try, YOU ROCK!

The rest of you suck and should get jobs where you can't hurt people.

Facebook is an excellent medium for white people to promote hate and bigotry veiled in Christianity.

If I was a gay dude, I would totally hide behind some big boob avi just to get DMs of some straight guy cock. But that's just me I'm sure.

It never ceases to amaze me how people can miss my subtle undertones of sarcasm.

Oh new follower, you're so cute and I'm sure I'd enjoy following you, but I know you'll unfollow as soon as I say cock sucking motherfucker.

I dream of a world where we all get along in peace and harmony, until I realize how many people I'd have to kill to accomplish that.

It should be perfectly acceptable to give girls with their thongs hanging out wedgies.