Boobytrap is partyboob spelled backwards.

Everything happens for a reason...sometimes the reason is you're stupid and you make bad decisions.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you want to shit on your neighbors lawn that's definitely the time to do it.

I'm changing my voice mail to "Please hang up and twitter me."

Grounds for divorce: He buys healthy cereal then eats my fruity pebbles.

I don't drink on Sundays. I pop pills. I like to keep it clean on the Lords day.

Husband: You know you still love me.
Me: No mother fucker, I tolerate you because you pay my bills. Take your pants off.

Me: Lets fuck.
Husband: You're in a good mood.
Me: Don't fuck it up by talking.

Assignment for today: To answer the phone in a European accent then slowly change it to Chinese.

Who named Trojan Condoms? Trojan Horse entered thru city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and messed up everyone's day.

My husband and I are divorcing because of religious reasons. He thinks he's God and I completely disagree.

Friend: my cooch hurts.
Me: sorry bitch I'm not a vaginacologist. Quit bangin everything that has a dick.

I'm going to bed. I have a long day of disappointment planned for tomorrow.

Just said to telemarketer: "Your voice is fabulous. I bet you sound fabulous when your screaming in terror." ....then a hard disconnect.

That's a crock of shit.. ~ My answer to most anything.

I vacuumed and mopped. A sure sign that a dog will shit on my floor today.

Divorce with assets is a bitch. Who keeps the Tiffany style rooster light? I do...that's who.

Hubs: Time to put on my sleep mask!
Me: Hey freak show, when you close your eyes it gets dark.

I don't understand why people come to me for relationship advice. Do you see the asshole I'm married to???

Sometimes I wonder if the prince who kissed Snow White was really just a very disappointed necrophiliac.