I've got a friend who makes her Boyfriend wear a condom during a blowjob. That's worse than leaving your underwear on to shit.

Facebook is where I meet my victims. Twitter is where I meet my accomplices.

If my vagina could talk I wouldn't trust a thing that cunt said.

Hey God, you seem pretty big on the whole "forgiveness" thing? Shame you couldn't let the fucking "apple" thing go, huh?

Twitter. The only place on Earth where an egg is creepy.

I've been fingered more times than a fat girls kitchen light switch.

My new Boyfriend loves anal sex. He calls me Brian while we do it then cries. He's so romantic.

Facebook cunt of the day goes to Jason. "Can't believe I'm 19 tomorrow feel so old lol". Fuck you Jason, Fuck you.

There's a nun at the bus stop and she keeps looking at me funny. She can smell sin.

I buy slimline tampons so the sales person doesn't think I have a large vagina. I just use four at a time. Clever.

1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila . . . WHORE.

Boys, no matter how handsome you think you are you can guarantee your scrotum is fucking ugly.

Don't do that into a sock. I have a fucking face.

Just farted out a condom.

I like your face. It looks friendly. I'm going to cut it off and keep it for when I got the sadness.

I tag all my friends pictures where they look like shit, I'm that cunt.

My anus makes a wonderful alternative to a condom.

Don't hate Beliebers. One of those fuckers might just be obsessive enough to blow that cunts fucking head off. Yay.

Starring a tweet and not RT'ing it is like starting a blowjob and making him stop before he blows his load. I do it all the time.

Some of you are fucking ugly.