I wish my nipples were half as sensitive as my Facebook friends.

The best way to hide male pattern baldness is to make a shit load of money.

No skinny chick has ever seen the inside of a Tweety Bird tee shirt.

Having a mini fridge in your room at your mom's house does not an apartment make.

It's hard to take turkeys seriously with that clit hanging off their chins.

It's cute how fat girls carry mace on their keychains as if that's what's keeping the rapists at bay.

When you guys star my typos, I feel like you're saying, "girl, you is dumb as fuck, but I'd still hit that." So, thanks.

I'm almost up to 200 followers and that's important because my parents didn't love me enough.

Hipsters wear suspenders with skinny jeans to keep their balls securely planted up their pussy.

My followers are droppin' faster then my panties at a Nickleback concert. Wait, what?

For a limited time only, my vagina will be available in Pumpkin Spice.

Just like in high-school, none of the popular girls wanna follow me.

Just like in highschool, I'm fucking their boyfriends.

My safe word is fuckmeharder.

Fool proof way to receive a call from Grandma? Finish smoking a joint.

If I see a girl with runny mascara, I can't help but ponder the size of the dick she's recently gagged on.

My cable is out. I'll be in the fetal position, awaiting further instructions.

Question: what comes after 69
Answer: me

I like my coffee like I like my men, thick enough to gag on.

I just assumed the Harlem Shake was a new DQ Blizzard featuring Colt 45 and cigarette butts

My panties are sexually assaulting my vagina, and I did nothing to stop them.