Blah blah. Penises. Blow jobs. People I work with suck. I'm a huge bitch. Funny funny. Am I on the leaderboard now?

I think Clark Gable would've liked me.

Sometimes being unreasonable is the correct approach.

I keep thinking of the Mr. Rogers quote, "Look for the helpers."
Thanks again, Mr. Rogers.

This is awesome. RT @thebranfox: The best wedding pictures ever http://t.co/VL70zSA

The Angry Birds are angry. http://twitpic.com/4ros9m

Me: I've got shit to do!
My bed: Hey baby you look so good. Let me feel you.
Me: Oh I don't know if I should.
Bed: I'll treat you right.
Zzz

I'm going to go to Disneyland instead of getting an iPad.

I do not get this jumping into commitment bullshit. Do you really not want to pay your whole rent? Is that it?

Stump grinding sounds like a dance that only peg-legged people can do.

Don't kid yourselves, guys, women are equally as shallow as guys. I have a small crush mostly based on this guy's nice butt.

It's not that I'm better than you. Never mind, it is that I'm better than you.

I have called people winners for a long time but the term needs a rest because of a certain celebrity ruining it.

Good advice: when going in public,as a couple, do not wear matching Insane Clown Posse t-shirts. Please.

I've never seen better synchronicity. pic.twitter.com/5p8sY0HA

Next time I’m drunk and I legitimately need to get home I’m just gonna tell my body to reject the alcohol. Cuz, as a woman, I’m magical.

I’m so confused. Why didn’t NASA wait until prime time to play the landing?

I have a soft spot for cool old dudes with navy tattoos on their forearms. They remind me of my grandpa.

To clarify: I’m not nice! I’m kind. I’m caring. I’m funny as hell. I’m not nice.

Which is more boring? Weight loss or kids stories?