My biggest problem with the younger generation is I'm not in it.

If you're not part of the solution, could you, at least, make a liquor store run?

When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

Vodka is made from potatoes.
Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it. Genius.

While I'm not much of a cook, I know enough to cut sandwiches in triangles to make them taste better.

He invited me to slow dance. To the radio. Barefoot. In the kitchen. In my pj's. He's doing it right.

Saw "the house" today. The one we both could love forever.

Looking for "the bank" tomorrow. The one we both could rob together.

If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't even notice it's been set free because the game is on, you're probably married to it.

Sometimes I spice up my marriage by wearing a long black nightgown with buttons on it.

Makes me look just like a remote control.

I'll bet the Energizer Bunny has, like, the happiest girlfriend in the world.

I think I married a whoopie cushion.

Preparing to meet my maker. Mom is coming here for Thanksgiving.

Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?

What a sweet lemonade stand. Your daughter is going be a wonderful bartender when she grows up.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a few martinis as a backup plan.

If God had had a Twitter account, it would have taken a lot more than six days create the world...

Less muscles to smile than to frown? Got it. And how many to ignore you completely?

All you really need to make life interesting is one good mental disorder.

In the mall, asking myself "What would Jesus buy?"...

If God hasn't granted you the serenity to accept things you can't change, ask Jose Cuervo. He's a standup guy who has done wonders for me...