sooooooo, FML means Fuck Me Later, right?

bisexual? don't you mean greedy?

peeing in the little man urinal will make any man feel taller

my room smells like freshly washed clothes. and masturbation

if you get caught between the moon and new york city tonight, you're on your own

there are reasons why alcoholics exist. like you, and you, and you. and most definitely you

stepped on kitty's tail, stubbed my toe, broke a wine glass, hit my head twice, knocked a plant over and roomie's still asleep: true ninja

whenever i finish a bag of chips, a tiny gremlin runs out of the bathroom, yells 'FLAWLESS VICTORY!!' then disappears in a puff of smoke

and i should be free to marry whoever the hell i want! therefore, i choose bradley cooper

you said briefcase, i heard cheesecake. where's my cheesecake

ran into a wall. vodka is fun

weird how my brain autocorrects 'go away' to 'touch me inappropriately'

nobody should EVER have to feel shame because of who they are. EVER

is it awful that i picked my nose through sarah mclachlan's pet commercial?

nobody's straight. nobody's gay. we just all love sex. can we move on now, please

I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKING HOMOPHOBIA ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANET!

hey, guy i just met! not to be rude or anything, but which eye should i be looking at?

yes, i will star your tweet and not follow because i'm a grown ass man and i do what i want. and i'm taller

every time you star my tweets, a tranny gets her vagina. let's keep these dreams alive, people!

if i wake up naked on a park bench tomorrow , then i did everything right tonight