I'm the CEO of my butt.

I JUST SAW A COW RUNNING. LOOKED LIKE GIANT DOG BRB

Hold on. I'm writing "so true." on everyone's facebook status and memes.

When people talk about how they love their skin, I get really scared of that.

Maybe I SHOULD be a teacher. I'm so much smarter than kids.

I greet everyone I meet with an "I'm a huge fan."

what if Christmas was tomorrow

do people really live in dallas or is that just tv

Almost had panic attack cuz I thought Heroes hadnt been cancelled yet

I'm running from the President of the United States 2012.

I'm really scared of pony-tailed men who are into improv.

Facebook is a cool way for everyone you've ever met to know about your divorce.

what if u had to count all the votes

This ep of Modern Family is way too political

Someone at work just asked if I was Scandinavian. I was like, "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

The cartoon Doug taught me how to be a better man.

I keep thinking "Cool story, bro" to my own thoughts. It's bringing up some major self-reflective questions.

Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart are reportedly fighting over their dog, Taylor Lautner

ANYONE ELSE FIND THIS SUSPICIOUS BARAK OBAMA HAS NO SONS

SUPERHEROES ARE GAY