When I see other people's typos, I think, "Don't be a hero."

Is that a banana in your pocket because I could use a snack.

Whenever I feel like I'm getting homesick I remember I'm married and then I just keep driving.

I don't have to impress anyone. So far, so good.

My heart is in the right place: the inside.

Bad bacon is like a bad lay. Yeah, it wasn't that great, but it was still bacon.

Men like it when you take control. Of their penis.

High on life. That's me. Of course by "life" I mean vodka. And by "high" I mean drunk. Unless I'm stoned, then that's different.

I'm only truly friendly to people that I'm confident I'll never see again.

When I see your face I smile. Every time. I guess I smile a lot anyway, but I'm still very pleased to see you.

I don't want to be a downer, but if your middle name is Wayne, there's a pretty good chance you're a serial killer.

Now I know why they give chips out at AA. Chips go really well with booze.

Instead of jail time, we should sentence shoplifters to mittens. Then they won't be quite as grabby!