My favorite thing to do at the gym is leave

Roses are red, violets are purple you fucking moron

"I don't care what you have to do, just make me look like John Candy" - - Chazz Bono to his MD

waiting for my dad to tell a story is like waiting for a document to open in adobe acrobat.

Rosa Parks and Recreation #CivilRightsSitcoms

The masseuse rode me like Seabiscuit today. I think we placed 2nd but she was screaming in Korean so I'm not 100% sure.

The Mayans were wrong. Humanity died today.

You know one of these days a state fair's gonna deep fry a child.

Put the Jesus Christ back in J.C. Penney.

I know how those animals feel when they bust out of the rodeo gates 'cause every night I take my bra off.

Just killed 2 hours on Facebook writing "WTF" under everyone's mother's day posts

I need a Shazam app for people I'm supposed to recognize but can't remember

My dad just told me he accidentally drank my expressed breast milk 10 years ago & now I'm jealous of the person I was 5 minutes ago

You guys I just checked Facebook. All my friends are still eating sandwiches.

Would it kill you to let me know which is incorrect? The User ID or the password?

I Know Who Unfollowed Me Last Summer

Just watched "Super Size Me." Changed my life. No longer vegan. On the way to McDonald's as I type. Getting everything on the menu.

Everyone misspells on Twitter/Facebook but there is no greater giveaway to a lazy-ass pot-smoking dope than someone who spells we Wii.

How sexy is a German accent, on a scale from one to nein?

Hey people who add 3 or more Splenda to their coffee: Guess what? You don't like coffee! Try Coke. You're welcome!