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My son would like me to tweet this joke he made up:
Q: What do you call a pig from 65,000,000 years ago?
A: Jurassic Pork.
My favorite thing to do at the gym is leave
Roses are red, violets are purple you fucking moron
please get that headband off your bald baby
Never seen a movie where a character coughs and lives
waiting for my dad to tell a story is like waiting for a document to open in adobe acrobat.
"I don't care what you have to do, just make me look like John Candy" - - Chazz Bono to his MD
You know one of these days a state fair's gonna deep fry a child.
The masseuse rode me like Seabiscuit today. I think we placed 2nd but she was screaming in Korean so I'm not 100% sure.
"I really can't stay."
-- If I wrote the words to "Baby it's Cold Outside"
The Mayans were wrong. Humanity died today.
Just killed 2 hours on Facebook writing "WTF" under everyone's mother's day posts
Put the Jesus Christ back in J.C. Penney.
Miley Cyrus is the best thing that ever happened to Amanda Bynes
I know how those animals feel when they bust out of the rodeo gates 'cause every night I take my bra off.
I need a Shazam app for people I'm supposed to recognize but can't remember
There isn't any part of Willem Dafoe's name that is spelled right
Twitter is an illness
My dad just told me he accidentally drank my expressed breast milk 10 years ago & now I'm jealous of the person I was 5 minutes ago
Writer. I don't blame you, I'm getting on my own nerves.