@joshgroban I carved a face in a pumpkin with a .30 caliber rifle at 70 yards. I should be able to provide this in lieu of a dowry, yes?

Stardate: 5:54am. Retweeted 17 of @charstarlene's tweetees. Checking if Twitter gay marriage is legal in both CA and NY before I propose.

So a few months ago I tweeted about things and it was funny and what happens to the space-time continuum if I try to retweet my own tweets?

Eating McDonald's at the airport on a Saturday night. Experiencing the kind of self-loathing usually reserved for Britney Spears.

I would like to publicly apologize to my neighbors for the Tori Amos song I am about to listen to 48 times in a row.

Is it hot or am I having feelings or what? Fucking ready for summer to be over so I can tell.

I feel like I should start being a piano player groupie, seeing as how I've pretty much been through the rest of the orchestra.

I need to eat something this week besides pastrami.

America, I love you.

Drunk bookshopping is the only way to bookshopping. Also a good way to Forever 21ing.

F'real, Nightline? "Sextra Terrestrial"? "The XXX Files"? I would have expected more from the program I am watching drunk at the laundromat.

@kaeleeeee @godswordislaw @angrymom80 Cant figr it out either so watchin Apocalypto on Netflix b/c thats like news in the future anyway

You're talking about the #Oscars, right? RT @angrymom80 @godswordislaw This country is in SO much trouble. How much more can it withstand?

@chrisgethard I dressed up with my mom to go see Harry Potter. 1-7. #loseristhenewnerd

@kaeleeeee Underemployed Williamsburg-er living on booze and coffee? Did I get the wrong lesson from that book?

@kaeleeeee I know! I'm tired of having to drink away the pain of not getting the jobs I didn't apply for.

"No, the big difference is that they want to rape you and drive trucks all day." @lorriegeek

candied bacon, Bud Light, and Dwight Yoakam. #itswhatsfordinner