I'm surprised God doesn't make Christian Rock Bands sound better.

Humor is that rug I sweep my feelings under.

If there's one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.

How come its okay to tackle someone who wants to jump in front of a train but its unacceptable to slap a Big Mac out of their fat face.

Meth, because teeth are annoying.

Keep sighing buddy, I still won't ask what's wrong.

I don't know what to do with my arms when I'm running, should I fold them?

Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don't see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.

A girl said most my posts are sexist, looking back only 1/16 of them are that way. Goes to show you women don't know math.

Nothing makes me feel more confident about drivers than drive through ATM's with braille on the key pad.

Just because you buy a bicycle it doesn't entitle you to wear spandex.

What doesn't kill you still hurts.

I swear I can taste the hate that goes into black licorice.

Give a homeless man a log, and he'll be warm for a night. Set a homeless man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I like the anger of the 90's better than the depression of whatever time it is now.

If I dropped my phone and it shattered I think it would be the equivalent to watching all my friends die in a fiery bus crash.

I think one of the voices in my head escaped, its awfully quiet in here.

Early bird gets the worm? Could be the worst motivation to leave a warm bed. Maybe if the bird ate Cinnabons I would think about it.

No matter how angry I get, if I see a puppy then everything's alright with the world again.

After seeing the company bathroom, I would rather be homeless than live with anyone I work with.