I came home tonight shitfaced, climbed into bed, and started rubbing my wife's cock. At that exact moment I realized I was in the wrong apt.

I finally heard my daughters first words today! She said "Dad, where the fuck have you been for the last 20 years?!"

There was a blackout on my street tonight. Thank god the cops arrested him.

I bet those 72 virgins have already taught bin laden how to play dungeons & dragons.

I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some cocksucker cut the umbilical cord.

All you chicks with the hot avis and sick and twisted humor. I'm scared to ever meet any of you in person. I truly am.

If my ex-wife was a transformer she'd be called Megafatsweatycuntbitchatron.

Jersey Shore would be so much better without Mike, Paulie, Sammi, Vinnie, JWOW, Deena, Ronnie, and oh yeah, that little Mexican guy Snookie.

Hey, fat chick walking 1.3 MPH on the treadmill with the extra large iced double mocha caramel fuckin coffee. How's the workout going?

I pulled a muscle today. I pulled it about 127 times. Then it threw up.

What's the difference between jelly & jam? You can't jelly your cock down some girls throat.

Does the 5 second rule apply to women who pass out on the floor drunk?

Retweet this if you're a cunt.

It was hard getting my roommate to take nude pics of me. I was like "C'mon Ma! This wicked hot chick on twitter wants to see my junk!"

Ok so women are posting on YouTube their pregnancy test results. We get it. Someone actually fucked you.

Hey guy who created spinner hubcaps. Good one, that was funny.

If I was Micheal J Fox, I'd Gorilla Glue my hand to my dick.

Me saying "wow, he's a talkative little one" means, "shut your fucking kid up."

When a dog licks his balls its ok, but when he licks mine it's wrong?

Trying to pick out which one of your avi's I'm gonna jerk off to. You're all so damn cute!