Now I know I'm old, good driving record is on my list of turn ons.

Better to sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

Living alone ruins the suspense - who lost the remote? Who lost the lid? Who let the dogs out?

Costco - too much of a good thing.

Mr. Black Sheep, on the night in question did you have any wool? Yes Sir, yes Sir, three bags full. Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

If it weren't for mold, there would be nothing in the fridge.

One day my prince will come, I will be at the grocery store.

Some people shouldn't have super glue.

Popcorn only exists for two reasons-to get heavily salted butter into me, and to make me floss.

If by _____ ,you mean _____, then maybe I am _____. Relationship madlib.

Circumcision nips it in the bud.

If it weren't for me and myself, I would be all alone.

Some people shouldn't own scissors.

Now do you believe in global warming? Have you been outside?

Weather, can't live with it, can't live without it.

If it weren't for removing eye crunchies, I wouldn't have a hobby.

If you look broke up in a dictionary, you will see a picture of me.

At what point does cougar become pedophile? Am I safe if he has a beard?

Awww hell!!!! I need to go in for a prostate exam. I can't even find mine!!!! Thanks, Internet. Didn't know everyone needs to self check.

Nothing says loving like something from the oven - probably doesn't cover the charred embers in the bottom of the oven.